T-T-T-Too Much Time on My Hands

Being home lo these many days has allowed me to revisit my Buddhist leanings that I had abandoned ages ago when my life got very loud and busy with the addition of Voldemort (The Dark Lord, my ex-LTR). Not coincidentally, an author appeared on Oprah last week discussing her book “Eat, Pray, Love” and I knew that I had to read it. Sure enough, it’s got me thinking again and remembering – remembering what used to be important to me and the path I was exploring way back when during my time in Richmond. All this quiet and thought has allowed me to start spotting the coincidences again, but it’s also been a little unsettling. There is something to be said for busily distracting oneself. I’m dizzy and excited and forcing myself to do some reality checks. But I’m also feeling somewhat raw and vulnerable. I have my own romantic issues to sort through and in speaking with a good friend of mine earlier this morning, know that she does too. She’s found herself in virtually the same position I was in when I began seeing The Dark Lord. She’s falling for a man who lives some distance away and who is separated from his wife and has two young children. I’ve warned her (from experience) that situations like that tend to lend an immediate intimacy and depth to a relationship that might not have existed if the person was 100% available and in the same city. She says she knows, but knows of no other way to explore this relationship. She’s not ready to throw in the towel because of the circumstances so she must instead forge ahead, hopefully slowly and with her eyes open.

Likewise, I was discussing my current, clearly futile crush with another friend of mine this morning. She asked, “Is there really not anyone in your geographical area that you’re interested in?” I laughed and explained that I’m not a dog – you can’t take away the pillow I’m not supposed to chew and then quickly substitute a bone. She said that’s not what she meant but that I tend to be interested in people who are not available – straight girls or girls across the country. Which is EXACTLY what I said to my other friend earlier – that she seems to really let go and be interested in the guys who aren’t fully available. I’m not entirely sure what to make of any of this. I responded that I like who I like and don’t seek out unavailable people. But maybe that’s my lot in life. Maybe I’m not supposed to be with anyone and I’m supposed to be channeling my energy elsewhere. Who knows? The only thing I know right now is that I have t-t-t-too much time on my hands!!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.