Comedy of Potentially Fatal Errors

So we had an opportunity to kill my boss today…

I have to write this quickly and get it out there in case he winds up having a serious medical problem and then I’d feel guilty about it. Oh, I’d probably still think it, I just might be less likely to advertise it on my blog and post it on Facebook. Less likely, mind you, not completely opposed to it…

Polly and I did our civic duty earlier and celebrated National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day over lunch. [Everyone, say “Hi!” to Polly. She’s new here. :) ] Apparently, while the Angel of Death was at lunch, her boss was staggering from our lunch room to one of the offices saying he was lightheaded. Although a former EMT and several first aid team members were present, our safety officer felt it necessary to issue the bat signal and have the entire safety team respond. Perhaps she thought this was a good time for a drill…

Boss was lowered to the floor, his feet were raised, and he recovered in record time. Now, being a beyond-middle-aged man who subsists mainly on fatty meat and carbohydrates, is perpetually stressed, and has gained half his body weight in the last few years, one might think he should seek medical attention. I was told when I returned from lunch that his blood sugar may have been low, which seems impossible to me since his diet is 95% sugar. Anyway, he took this diagnosis and trotted into the break room to retrieve his lunch from the microwave -- a steak.

Yes, you read that correctly.

He then got in touch with his doctor who advised he get himself to the closest ER. Which just so happens to be right across the street. Great! I was told he went over to the ER. Mind you, he just sucked down a steak before being examined (I'm assuming) for a possible heart attack...

Shortly thereafter, there was a flurry of activity as several of my coworkers departed to join him. What I later found out is that he began feeling lightheaded again as he CLIMBED THE STAIRS OF THE OVERPASS between our building and the hospital and that’s why they went out to assist him. In one of many brilliant decisions regarding this incident, he was then given a ride not across the street to the ER, but 30 miles away to another hospital. The woman driving him has depth perception issues and has also been known to fall asleep behind the wheel of her car. If he should actually make it to the hospital alive, he will then be retrieved – and driven home -- by his wife, who many of us were under the impression is legally blind.

I maintain that he is committing assisted suicide – just very, very slowly.