I Have Never Shipped a Live Pig to Hawaii

I made the mistake of signing a petition or two recently and now it seems I'm being asked to sign a new petition at least once a day. In the last week, I've received emails entitled:

What you did to Keystone XL
Stop shipping live pigs to Hawaii
Save Bryce Canyon from a dirty coal mine
Lesbian torture clinics.

No, seriously.

I know.

I thought that last one was the next Meetup event planned for the Gay Women of Hampton Roads. It took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't an invitation.

And I don't know who this Bryce Canyon person is, but he can probably do better than this chick they're referring to as, "dirty coal mine."

Apparently, there are A LOT of things out there that people want to protest.

My current favorite is an employee of Target petitioning Target to open at 5am on Black Friday rather than 12am, so that he and his fellow Target employees can enjoy Thanksgiving with their families a little longer.

I get it. I do. But here's the thing, Target Employee: if Target doesn't open at 12am, all those wackadoodle Black Friday shoppers are going to haul their assumed WIDE asses over to Walmart and spend all their money there. And then Target will miss out on that money. And do you know where some (I know, not as much as anyone would like) of that money goes? Into your pockets, Target Employee. And into your health insurance. So I suggest you SHUT THE F*CK UP AND BE COOL!!

Be cool, Target Employee; be cool. Stay employed. It's a good thing in 2011.

Next up? Parents who are purchasing lollipops licked by children with chicken pox and feeding said lollipops to their children in an attempt to stimulate immunization against chicken pox naturally vs. vaccination.

I'm actually in favor of part of this. I won't spoil the fun and tell you which part yet. Talk amongst yourselves.