Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree with Anyone Else but...My Afterbirth?

McConaughey to plant son's placenta in orchard

NEW YORK (AP) — Matthew McConaughey says the birth of his son will help bring a little joy to others in the world someday. The actor kept the placenta from the July birth of his son and plans to plant it in an orchard, he tells CNN's "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta" in interview scheduled to air in two parts Aug. 9 and Aug 16.

McConaughey says he hopes it will fertilize the land, a ritual long followed in several cultures.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he says, according to an interview transcript. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

"This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."
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There are times I wish this was a podcast and not a blog. How else to describe the look on my face? Although, I'm guessing you all just sported the same look for a few seconds. If I ever retire -- wait, what am I saying? -- WHEN I retire from the crime lab and if I consider smoking some mari-JUANA, I want what Matthew McConaughey's having. Holy hell.

Our number two entry for "10 Signs the World May Be Coming to an End," I give you:

'American Idol' crooner Clay Aiken now a father

RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) — Former "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken is a father.

The 29-year-old crooner from Raleigh announced the birth of Parker Foster Aiken on his Web site's blog Friday

"No hyphens. One first name," he wrote. "One middle name. One last name."

Aiken's mother, Faye, told Raleigh TV station WRAL the child was born in North Carolina.

Aiken was a favorite of fans during the second season of "American Idol," where he finished second to Ruben Studdard. His album "Measure of a Man" went double platinum in 2003, and he made his Broadway debut this spring in "Monty Python's Spamalot."

The baby's mother is Jaymes Foster, Aiken's friend and record producer whom he met while performing on "American Idol." Their son was born at 8:08 a.m. Friday, and weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces and was 19 inches long, according to the statement on the Web site.

"The little man is healthy, happy, and as loud as his daddy," Aiken wrote. "Mama Jaymes is doing quite well also."
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Jaymes? Seriously? Is this that pre-op tranny who gave birth recently? Because how else can anyone explain Gayken (apologies to Kathy Griffin) having anything to do with a woman? I have to assume they utilized the Michael Jackson-Receptionist Method. Conception is beautiful when the mother and father aren't even in the same state when it occurs.

Of all the times to NOT have a Sing-Along Blog! Material like this doesn't just appear every day out of thin air, you know. "Mama Jaymes"? Good lord. I wonder what Joss Whedon could do with this. If you're confused, check out my new favorite thing:

Is She the Gun?

Only me. Those of you who know me personally, know that every so often I like to test my ability to talk myself out of a situation by sending emails to the wrong recipients. This faux pas can be an attempt to forward someone's email to another recipient with a comment such as, "I can't believe what an ignorant, psycho, slut she turned out to be" accidentally sent back to the subject of the comment or a snarky editorial comment meant for one or two people sent out to our entire laboratory system instead. You know, something that initiates a full body tap dance with a sprinkling of BS flinging... The dancing starts almost immediately, preceded only by a surge of adrenalin and the desire to crawl in a hole.

Apropos of nothing, somehow Steve Schmidt's mother stumbled on my little blog about her son (The Bullet) less than 24 hours after it was posted and left a comment. This woman scared the crap out of me in high school. I can't remember the specifics, but I know that when I think of Steve and then think of his mom, I tremble a little. And let me tell you, when I read, "I'm Steve's mom," a mighty tremble began anew!

I had to remove her comment because she used my name, but here it is in its entirety otherwise. I get the distinct impression that she thinks because I'm not a fan of the Republican party that I'm an Obama fan. I am not. And for the first time since I was old enough to vote, I'm seriously considering not voting in this election. But that's a blog for another day. And anyone who knows me, knows that I won't ultimately forfeit my right to vote. So there will be some soul-searching and some concessions made on my part. Sometimes one votes for the party and not the man. But damn, it's always a man...

Regardless of whether Steve's mom scares me or not, I suspect this whole process has been incredibly frustrating for her. Our mothers typically want to come to our defense (even when we're in the wrong) over minor infractions, so I can't even imagine what it's like to read and hear incorrect information about your son at this magnitude. And yes, I know the media twists and turns information and quotes to suit its needs, so I am not naive in that respect. But I also have my own opinions of the party for whom Steve is working (voluntarily) and how its members operate, so I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt to some of the more respected political analysts out there.

Herewith, a mother's response:

"Is that you, [AJ]? I remember you well fro No. Plfd. HS. I'm Steve's Mom. I love to read about my son and your blog came up. You're just discovering what he's doing now in 2008? He's been in the news, on the news and written about for quite a few years now.

[Hang on, I have to interject here. Is she really taking me to task for not knowing what he's been doing since HS?? If I heard his name in the news over the years, I'm sure I thought it was someone else and not the kid I went to school with. Nor did I have a tendency to pay that much attention to news concerning Bush/Cheney or Schwarzenegger. Get a grip.]

There's lots you still don't know about him. Did you know he was Assistant Deputy to the President after the 2004 election? He spent a month in Iraq trying to improve the communicationd coming out of there that were being so skewed by the left wing media. He shepherded the last two Supreme Court nominees through the process in getting them confirmed. He then moved to CA to run the Schwarzenegger campaign. He brought him from an approval rating of 29% to a landslide victory in a year when Republicans lost big all ove the country. Get in touch with Lauren P. to hear about her visit to his White Office the lunch she had with Steve, her kids and parents at the White House Mess. She met all of his staff and was very impressed with the love and respect they all have for him. When he left the WH for CA, he had 75 resumes from young people begging to go with him and work for him. So much for this "angry tyrant" described in the media. Steve does instill a kind of fear into his people.....fear of disappointing him. He lets them no what's expected and they work hard to achieve those goals. He has mentored numerous young people in his field who are now working all over the country. They idolize him. I've read their quotes in articles.

Did you know that Steve tried to talk Arnold into changing his position on gay marriage. My daughter is gay. Steve loves his sister and her partner and wants them to have the same rights as everyone else. You might be surprised that you and he might have lots of issues that you agree on. Don't believe everything you read, especially from the left wing blogs. I find my son being described there as some kind of monster that bears absolutely no esemblance to who he is and what he's really like. I have never seen him get really angry....the worse moments have been the remnants of some Jersey road rage. He let the F word slip out in my presence a few years ago and immediatedly apologized. Does that sound like the raving maniac you're describing.

He is one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. He is the most amazing Daddy to two beautiful children. When he is home, he is 100% theirs.

Did you know his real job is as a partner in a media affairs company in CA? Did you know that his work for Mc Cain is entirely voluntary? He takes no salary at all. That's how much he truly believes that this man is the best leader for our country.

Posted by barbarae to Cranial Vault at August 8, 2008 2:24 PM"

The Bullet

I have really dropped the blogging ball of late. But I've been keeping track of things that make me laugh or I find interesting and I've been emailing them to myself so I can use them for a future blog. Consequently, the crap is starting to pile up in my Inbox, so I need to get crackin'.

First and foremost, would you let this guy head your campaign for President of the United States??



No, no, not the lovely young lass in the green plastic sunglasses and bus-headrest-cover hat (me), I mean the portion of the young man over on the right.

Yes, I realize this isn't the best picture of Steve Schmidt. But the majority of my pictures from our high school trip to France are up in my attic somewhere and this is the best I could do for the moment. When I first heard of Steve's promotion to Commandante of John McCain's election campaign, I was stunned. I had no idea he had gone into politics, let alone that he was a muckity-muck in the 2004 Bush/Cheney re-election war room and that he got Ahnold re-elected Governor of CA. And while that all seems somewhat impressive -- if you're a Republican -- my friends and I zeroed in on some things that were far more important -- the fact that Steve's now bald as a cue ball and HUGE. Wait, here's another "Steve Schmidt: The Early Years" pic for comparison purposes:



Yes, there he is. White jeans, pastel blue Paris sweatshirt, holding a knife to the throat of one of our classmates. Oh, and he fake "married" me in Paris. If it's somehow legally binding, one of the major players in the Republican party is married to a liberal lesbian. You know, just like James Carville and Mary Matalin, but switch the parties. Anyway, I suspect he bottled up that knife-wielding, white denim wearing, hair losing rage and became Karl Rove, Jr.

AWESOME.

I'm sorry, I just realized I haven't posted a pic of what he looks like now. Here you go:



I feel bad for him about the hair thing, but he could be a bit of an ass at times and I truly believe he has anger issues as a result of losing his hair so young. I can't say that I blame him. I remember seeing him a year of two after he graduated (he was a year behind me in HS) and his hair was pretty scarce. Poor guy. I just love that now everyone talks about it as if that makes him that much more of a pit bull. He's hairless! Hide the Democrats! He'll eat them alive!!

I've also read about his size and references to his playing football in high school. As you can see in the Early Years pics above, he was a scrawny girly-man. And until he got accused of slashing some seats on our band bus with a knife, he was a trumpet player in our scrawny 40-member marching band. Yeah, he's a real killer that one.

Truth be told, I think it's pretty damn cool that Steve's where he is. I'm sure we agree on virtually nothing politically -- or about the most ethical way to get someone elected -- but I would still consider him an old friend if our paths were to cross again. We come from a teeny, tiny town in NJ where everyone knew everyone and we were friends in school. So I'm happy for him and I hope for his sake that he doesn't destroy McCain's campaign. Steve's responsible for the recent McCain videos, including the ubiquitous Obama/Paris Hilton/Britney Spears "celebrity" video and is rumored to be responsible for the accusation that Obama didn't want to visit wounded soldiers in Germany without the press present. I'm guessing he also had a hand in the McCain tire pressure gauges. They raised many of us to be witty and sarcastic in North Plainfield, New Jersey!

I now know far more about McCain's campaign than I normally would because I check in every couple of days to see what Steve's been up to. Most of the articles and blogs are of the same tenor and here's a recent example:


Early and Often
7/23/0810:30 AM

John McCain’s New Strategist Basically a Dick

McCain's new strategist, Steve Schmidt, is kind of an asshole, The Wall Street Journal tells us this morning, although they don't exactly use those words. The New Jersey native, who worked on Bush's campaign and Schwartznegger's (and who is responsible for yesterday's angry-funny "Media Hearts Obama" video) is a "sharp-tongued" "military-like" figure who was promoted to strategist after McCain's disastrous June 3 speech, which was widely mocked and which Schmidt said made him "apoplectic" about the incompetence of the campaign.
Apparently he often feels that way! The Journal story contains many colorful anecdotes about the man McCain affectionately calls "Sgt. Schmidt," some of which would make even Machiavelli cringe. For instance:

• Anger, Schmidt says, "focuses people's attention when other means have been exhausted."

• "Our goal is perfection," he told McCain staffers recently. "We will never achieve it."

• "Two colleagues say that when Mr. Schmidt gets really angry, his nose bleeds, though Mr. Schmidt denies it."

• Says a guy who worked with him on the Bush campaign: "The nostrils would flare, he would get very red-faced and angry, and you would just want to quit … you basically wanted to crash a chair over his head."

• "During debates, he would time staffers with a stop watch to see how quickly they could dig up information contradicting whatever their opponent said and email it to reporters."

• "Sometimes he stares at a questioner for several moments while forming a response."

• A former assistant likened his perch outside Schmidt's office to "a small house at the base of a volcano."

• "He only gets angry when someone has made the same mistake twice or failed to pay attention."

That said, like any villain, he has his Kryptonite. According to the Journal: "He is deeply scared of snakes. After a rattlesnake bit his dog at their California home, he insisted that the entire family move."
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Yowza. Good luck, Steve!

New Gauge of When You've Had Too Much?

Dear God, may you never let me drink so much beer that this seems like a good idea. Thank you, AJ


Woman on probation for masturbating in front of teen grandson

SUFFOLK – Grandmother Mary Elizabeth Jones had been drinking too much beer in early January when she called her teen grandson into the room. She also was naked from the waist down and masturbating, according to court records.

Jones later denied some of the allegations and admitted she was ashamed of herself.

In a plea agreement, the charge of indecent liberties with a child was reduced to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Jones got a suspended sentence of 12 months in jail Thursday, and two years of supervised probation with drug and alcohol counseling. In addition, Jones, 63, will no longer be allowed to spend time alone with her grandchildren.

Published on HamptonRoads.com | PilotOnline.com (http://hamptonroads.com)

For the love of whimsy

I'd embed the actual video, but it's better if you go to YouTube and then select "watch in high quality" underneath the vid. Enjoy!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY&feature=user

Great example for the rest of us

In California, a House Divided Stands Strong
By JENNIFER STEINHAUER, New York Times

LOS ANGELES — It is one thing to disagree about politics with your spouse at a backyard barbecue. It is quite another to do it in front of the 38 million people of California, with apparent and abundant passion.

Of all the supporters behind the two presumptive nominees for president this year, none are quite as intriguing as Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Republican who has thrown his support behind Senator John McCain, and the governor’s wife, Maria Shriver, a Democrat and vocal backer of Senator Barack Obama.

The lawn of their Brentwood home has dueling campaign signs. The breakfast table has become a casual debating society. Ms. Shriver is even threatening to bring a life-size cutout of her preferred candidate into the house, something the governor has seen her do in other elections. “When one of the candidates screws up,” Mr. Schwarzenegger said of the cutouts, “the kids carry them outside.”

The four Schwarzenegger children — who range in age from 10 to 18 — have already taken sides, though only one of them, Katherine, is actually old enough to vote. She favors Mr. Obama.

Advantage, Ms. Shriver.

“I think there are great benefits to having kids grow up understanding that we do not live in a one-party system,” Ms. Shriver said. “That there are two ways at looking at an issue. To be patient, and to compromise, those are good lessons not just in politics but for life. I grew up believing there was only one way to think. There isn’t.”

It all began this winter when Mr. Schwarzenegger announced his allegiance to Mr. McCain, unsurprisingly, and then Ms. Shriver showed up — quite surprisingly — on the stage at a rally for Mr. Obama in Los Angeles proclaiming her support along with other members of the extended Kennedy family just days later.

On Super Tuesday, the governor awoke to a lawn full of Obama signs. Seeking fair and balanced landscaping, he immediately called his aides to procure an equal number of McCain signs. (Perhaps not the easiest request on the day when the Republicans were looking to deliver the state to Mr. McCain. Also not one, under the circumstances, to be farmed out to the first lady’s office.)

While voters here are long accustomed to the Republican governor and his Kennedy-family wife, the spectacle of them avidly supporting two different presidential candidates is likely to become even more pronounced to the rest of the nation as the campaign enters the general election phase, with both playing an active role.

He and she are likely speakers at each party’s convention this summer. Ms. Shriver has been mentioned as a possible chairwoman for Mr. Obama’s California effort, and is considered to be one of its most endearing assets in the state.

“Maria Shriver is a powerful advocate for Senator Obama,” said Bill Burton, a spokesman for the Obama campaign, in an e-mail message. “We’ll be thrilled to have her campaign for us whenever she can in the coming months. And we remain hopeful that Californians will side with their first lady in November, even if the governor himself does not.”

For his part, the governor, who is negotiating a tremendously difficult budget and other pieces of legislation, is expected to lend a hand to the McCain effort as Election Day draws near. He attends many fund-raisers for Mr. McCain, off the radar, and is desired by a McCain team desperate to draw in the moderate voters that Mr. Schwarzenegger has attracted.

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is a tremendous asset to the Republican party,” said Adam Mendelsohn, an adviser to the McCain campaign and the governor’s former communications director, “especially at a time where there is so much emphasis on independents and disaffected Democrats.”

Ms. Shriver has carefully managed to maintain her professional and political identities since becoming the first lady of California when Mr. Schwarzenegger won the recall election in 2003, reluctantly giving up her job in television news. “Being involved in this administration required me to stretch and to be open minded,” she said.

Like all things Arnold and Maria, the arrangement is far from conventional, but it seems to work.

“Maria called me from Palm Springs one day where she was at a horse show with our daughter and said, ‘I’ve got this thing in my mind that I want to go to U.C.L.A. for Obama, is that O.K. with you?”‘ Mr. Schwarzenegger said. “I said: ‘Do it! You have to do it!’ ”

Ms. Shriver went straight to the airport and hopped on a plane, her hair still a bit mussed from the horse show, and gave a moving speech. “I thought, if Barack Obama was a state, he’d be California,” Ms. Shriver told the roaring crowd. “Diverse. Open. Smart. Independent. Bucks tradition. Innovative. Inspirational. Dreamer. Leader.”

Mr. Schwarzenegger said he felt no compunction about her proclaiming his state for her candidate.

“People get it,” he said. “People know that she is not for Bush even though she is sitting there at the convention with me.”

Time spent around the kitchen table is sometimes enlivened by discussions on topics ranging from Mr. Obama’s pastor to the fuel tax (because nothing says, “Please stop hiding the peas under your napkin,” like a good gas tax riff) and gender issues. “The girls were for Hillary, and now they are with Obama,” the governor said. “The boys are more with McCain.”

It is a relationship that gives hope to other mixed marriages.

“Clearly we made out better as a party,” said Emily DeRose, the spokeswoman for the Arizona Democratic Party, who is newly married to a Republican supporter of Mr. McCain. “I love Maria Shriver, I read her book, and I just really admire her. Him, well, I like his movies.”

Conspiracy Theory?

Great googly moogly, it's been a month since I've written anything! I can only hope you folks have found other ways to entertain yourselves!

A couple months ago, I floated the idea of buying a Vespa to my friends at work. I'm still thinking about getting one, but in the meantime one of my coworkers has purchased a scooter and they're suddenly EVERYWHERE thanks to the gas prices that are shooting from here..........up. (Sorry, inside joke).

I was tooling down the street in my efficient Honda Civic the other day and saw a scooter. I laughed to myself and thought, "All it took was a swift kick to the wallet to make Americans find a greener form of tranportation." And then the lightbulb went off. Chew on this for a sec: the gas prices keep climbing. The Saudis say it has nothing to do with demand or their pricing, that it's all the refineries and distributors. Americans are finally fed up and finding alternative means of transportation (mass transit, scooters, more efficient cars, biking) in order to save money. Consequently, emissions are starting to decrease. I won't be surprised if there's a report in a couple years stating that there's been a marked decrease in harmful emissions. And here's where it gets interesting: with the decrease in emissions, auto manufacturers won't get harnessed with stringent federal standards. Granted, they're going to have to start making more fuel efficient cars if they want to be competitive, but people who were stupid enough to purchase SUVs that look like Rhode Island with wheels don't really care about the increase in gas prices. So they'll still drive and purchase gas guzzlers. AND all the while, the Bushies, who have ties to distributors and refineries, just keep raking in the dough from the increased gas prices.

In summary: prices climb; Americans become greener; emissions decrease; corporations off the hook; Bush family gets richer. Tomatoes may or may not make a comeback.

Sure, this is all conjecture and I can't back much of it up, but still -- it was an interesting diversion and it gave me something to think about alllll the way to work. Which is only a 10-15 minute drive, bitches! hahahahahahahaha!!! I only have to fill my tank twice a month! Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!

No offense. :)

Negative People Suck

Most of you know I'm a fan of the absurd, so I've decided to share an email I sent to my KICKBALL team tonight. Please remember the KICKBALL part as you read along and enjoy!

"Good morning, guys! I have a couple things I need to get off my chest if you'll bear with me for a moment. (Geoff, please try to keep reading even though I said chest and bare...)

There is a nasty, negative undercurrent to the team and I'm over it. I do not want to be the captain of a team like that. It's been going on for a couple seasons now, but we had bigger negative contributors, so it didn't seem so bad by comparison. I suspect everyone isn't experiencing it and I'm happy for you if you're not. My every move, thought, and gesture seems to be up for critique however and I'm tired of it.

For the record, I do not have to explain myself to you (I apologize to those of you who are innocent bystanders, but I thought it best to send this to the whole team). But I'll address two things that seem to come up routinely: 1) I get on base more when I kick than when I bunt. As a rule, it's better for people to bunt, but if you know you get on base more by kicking, then flipping kick. I don't really keep track of what everyone does, but some of you seem intent on keeping track of what I do. 2) Those of us who have played softball and/or baseball for much of our lives know a little bit more about how to handle the infield and runners. While it is typically best to get the ball in to the pitcher (and I harp on this each season more for those of you who didn't play softball/baseball), if the runner is already halfway to the base, he will be given the base even if the ball has made it back to the pitcher. It makes far more sense to run down the lead runner and force him back to the base he last passed or try to block his way and tag him. If you don't understand this, feel free to ask me about it.

I would like our team to be supportive of each other during the games. No team has ever done well by snarking on each other, making fun of each other, or making negative comments about each other during the game. No one is perfect and we will all make mistakes. It is far more important to commend each other for trying than to kick someone when they're down. Again, I do not want to be the captain of a team like that. What's worse, is that for me personally when I feel like I'm constantly under attack, I start fighting back. And I do not want to do that or feel that way during every blasted kickball game. We're supposed to be out there having fun with our friends, not snapping at each other.

Speaking of captain, any one of you is more than welcome to step up and be the captain of the team. According to at least two of you, nearly everything I do or say is wrong so you would probably be helping out the whole team by taking over. Just say the word and the job is yours.

If you have any questions, you know where to find me. Otherwise, if you want to continue being negative and making fun of your fellow teammates, I suggest you find another team. If however, the team supports you in this behavior, I will gladly find another one instead. You guys just let me know.

Thanks for your time,
AJ

PS - I've left out the whole arguing calls thing. But let's not forget that according to at least one of you I don't argue enough, I argue too much, I argue the wrong calls, and any number of other things. Honestly, I think you guys really need a new captain! :)"

Something Randy Pausch said keeps running through my head. He was talking about trying to find the good in everyone and said that a friend taught him that everyone will ultimately impress you. If someone hasn't impressed you yet, you haven't given them enough time. So maybe I haven't given the two primary subjects of my email enough time. They both definitely have more positive traits, but unfortunately their negative behavior makes me forget what those traits are. I hope I get through to them. For me, for our team, and ultimately for them.

LOL -- this is all over kickball! Hmm...maybe I can work out some "kickball as a metaphor for life" thing. I'll have to think on it...

Success!

And soreness. But just a little bit, for now. You regular readers know I decided to ride my bike to work this morning. Twelve miles round trip, thankyewverymuch! AND having decided to do it, AND having announced it on my blog (readership is up to approximately 10, so you can imagine the accountability pressure), I actually did it! Yes, I'm very pleased. And sweaty. Annnnnd maybe in need of a frozen bag of peas to sit on. Yes, the chatch is a wee bit sore. But that's what I get for not using it more often.

Dear god, my mother reads this thing.

Anyway, it's not too bad as I'm sitting on an exercise ball at the moment. We'll see how it goes tomorrow at work. I'll have to drive tomorrow for various reasons including 1) I'm taking the dog to doggie daycare tomorrow, 2) I have to go to Costco at lunch to get the monthly Birthday Club birthday cake (really, don't ask), and 3) I have to also swing by the vet to get some more meds for my junkie dog. I'm kind of bummed that I can't ride the bike tomorrow. Again, this is said before I assess any muscle soreness tomorrow (the cadaver in my elbow is already expressing some displeasure). I really enjoyed it though. And it was the perfect form of exercise for me: something fun that causes me to exercise without realizing I'm exercising. My legs got a workout from peddling, my arms got a workout from holding on for dear life, and my reflexes got a nice workout from 30 minutes of split second life-or-death auto-vs-bike assessments. Good stuff!

I also peddled on over to the YMCA near work for a lunchtime run only to discover I had left half my exercise clothes airing out in my locker at work. I was temtped to just take another shower (having showered before work but not after my ride to work) but discovered I forgot my combination lock. Since I've had some things stolen from the Judeo-Christian locker room in the past, I decided leaving my iPod, Garmin, and bike helmet unprotected wasn't such a hot idea. I got a nice lunch from the Y's cafe and headed back to work. All in all, a great day.

I can't wait to see how I feel about it tomorrow! :)

And So It Goes...

Is it Unrequited Love Week and someone forgot to tell me?? I know I have a commemorative t-shirt in here somewhere that I can toss on if it is. I should have a full dinner service, running shorts, and a throw for that matter. I may very well be the unrequited love poster child. Those of you keeping up with my exploits know that I had a wee bit too much wine on Saturday and proclaimed my love for a wholly unsuitable subject (one of those hetero folk). Having the patience of a saint, Lisa has not rejected me as a friend and we spent the better part of the day discussing relationships. Translation: we depressed the hell out of each other about our prospects. Lisa's are much better than mine as she's actively in a relationship at the moment and despite my never-ending amount of charm and adorableness, she's still just not hip to the whole lesbo thing. I told a friend the other day that I'm pretty darn close to just clubbing Lisa over the head and dragging her off to a hypnotist to make her gay, so if you see her please don't spoil the surprise!

Anyhoo, I just turned on American Idol and Paula Abdul picked one of my all time favorite songs for David Archuletta to sing. Unfortunately, he had to do the AI abridged version, so it lost a little something during his performance. Here are the full lyrics:

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

The song brings me right back to a crush of yesteryear on....say it with me....a straight girl. LOL. I have to laugh at my own stupidity because it makes it seem like I'm aware of how ridiculous I am and can control it. But it did occur to me earlier that for nearly every unrequited crush, I actually have dated someone and have been in a couple LTRs. (Though technically, are you allowed to call it an LTR when it ends? What's the time requirement for the L part?) I was pretty much in relationships from the time I moved to Richmond until the Dark Lord dumped me and then there was an uncomfortable diversion for about nine months a year or so ago. So my dry spell has been pretty recent. Which leads me to believe I need to just take a deep breath, do some work on my teeny tiny house, and know that the right chick is out there somewhere. Granted, the odds are very slim she's actually in the Norfolk/Virginia Beach area, but that's a headache for another day. In the meantime, does anyone know a good hypnotist??

PS -- I'm attempting to ride my bike 6 miles to work tomorrow morning (and theoretically 6 miles back in the afternoon unless I take a cab). I have to assume there will be some sort of story about this by the end of the day tomorrow... Wish me luck!