Oh Sh*t!

I was finally about to shut down the computer and go take the dog for a run when I realized today is November 1st and therefore, the first day of NaBloPoMo! Despite sounding like I'm not going to offer poor people fellatio anymore, NaBloPoMo for the uninitiated actually stands for National Blog Posting Month. Which is November. By joining NaBloPoMo, I pledge to write at least one blog post per day for the month of November. Fortunately, there are no requirements as to the quality of the blog posts... Especially since I don't have an idea for today.

Oh wait, I forgot! I do have a guest rant from a good friend of mine that I can share with all of you. His email helps express some of my frustration with this election campaign and with the intolerance and lack of compassion that I see day in and day out with many (supposed) Christians. I dated a born again Christian who once said, "Christians are the worst thing that ever happened to Christianity" and his words were never more true than the last few months. The level of hatred I've seen has done nothing but sadden me and make me wonder if we as a country will ever recover -- regardless of who wins this election. I'd like to say it's been the exclusive domain of the Republicans, but I have some Democrat friends up north who could give the worst of the Right a run for their money where anger and insults are concerned. We will never reach our full potential as human beings if we are unable or unwilling to consider and understand each other's point of view. It doesn't mean we have to agree, but at least be respectful enough to consider that you do not know everything and do not have all the answers. Be open to the fact that other people are led by their experiences or how they were taught and be flexible enough to consider changing your mind on occasion. Having said all that, I know two absolute truths: oppression will never prevail and The Golden Rule (do unto others...) always will.

Without further ado, an anonymous guest editorial:

"Regardless of what Mrs. Schmidt says, or what Steve was like in high school, I can not believe that he is a decent guy. Anyone who works as a high-level, behind the scenes, political operative for the REPUBLICANS is, by definition, a bastard child of Satan. I believe that with all of my heart. Republicans, in general, are NOT nice people. They might put on a nice front, but they are NOT nice people. I also believe that 99% of those who are strongly against Obama have a racial element to their dislike. When they are around you or me, they will play nice. When they are among other like-minded individuals, they drop the front and let the ignorance flow freely with liberal (a touch of irony) use of racial epithets.

Conservative people are more likely to ponder, "What would Jesus do" than perhaps, oh, you or me. Sorry - I shouldn't drag you into hell with me, so let's just leave that as "me." But I wonder, what would Jesus say about something like health care?

-"Hey - you want health care? How about getting an education, get a good job. Don't expect other hard working Americans to cover your lazy ass!"

or

-"You should care for each other. Period."

What would he think about, oh, gay marriage?

-"It is a sin for two people who love and are committed to each other to share that bond - BURN IN HELL!"

or

-"You should care for each other."

Sorry - I am getting off on a tangent. (Kind of funny when the heathen seem to be closer to the spirit of their Lord than they are, huh?)"

OK, I'm back. And yes, I realize these are all generalizations. I hope that there are some Republicans out there who don't fit into these stereotypes. But when I repeatedly see people acting selfishly and somehow turning taxes -- which pay for our schools, police, firemen, EMS, roads, social services, my job!, etc. -- into charges of socialism, I have to just shake my head and wonder how on earth those people can live with themselves.

And now, your Daily Moment of Schmidt:

22 Oct 2008 08:09 am

Will Anyone Hire Steve Schmidt Again?

He's a man who makes even Karl "Durable Majority" Rove look smart. Robert Draper's forthcoming campaign piece apparently has the following nugget:

The decision [to pick Palin] may have been even more impulsive than initially thought. Gov. Sarah Palin, who had never been on the VP shortlist, was advanced at the last minute by Schmidt and Rick Davis, and was picked after a less-than-hour-long chat in with McCain at his ranch in Arizona.

From what I hear, the Palin selection was completely last-second stuff. Utterly unvetted. Utterly reckless. McCain was intent on Lieberman until the very last moment. If you want a commander-in-chief who will make vital decisions at the last minute, on impulse, according purely to polls and electoral tactics, against his own judgment and deferring to Rovian hacks: vote for McCain.

He's George W. Bush, without the prudence and caution.

~Andrew Sullivan, The Atlantic

Hi Mrs. Schmidt!

Hotlanta? Hot Mess!

I've got two diametrically opposed blog ideas bouncing around in my head right now: The Real Housewives of Atlanta and my friend's impending elective sterilization. Hmm...come to think of it, the two topics aren't that disconnected -- it probably would have been wise to sterilize those lovely wallflowers before they reproduced -- or better yet, their parents...

Wait, I have to switch my "A Complaint Free World" bracelet to my other wrist. Again. And...begin.

Last week's Housewives was a laugh riot between Kim (who makes Chynna look demure and in need of makeup) claiming she is -- brace yourselves -- 29 years old and repeatedly telling people she's working on her singing career when NONE of her close friends has ever heard her sing. Good friend Ne Ne had never heard her so much as hum. We're something like 4 episodes in and Kim's met with producer Dallas Austin but damn, we still haven't heard her sing! Nor so much as hum...

But on to this week~ DeShawn is having a charity function (whose invitations were left in stacks at the local mall) and hopes to raise $1,000,000,000 by auctioning off sports stars and selling jewelry. She neglects to make the guests donate in order to gain entry to the festivities and she and her husband wind up 20 grand in the hole when all is said and done! What's harder than getting coworkers to participate in team building exercises? Getting cheap people to begin bidding at $7,500 for a play date with LeBron James. It was so utterly painful to watch. The local TV anchor who was hoodwinked into acting as one of the auctioneers was sweating like Whitney Houston as Ne Ne wondered if there might be some bidders downstairs...

Amazon Kim began distancing herself from Ne Ne (who is by far the funniest woman on the show) and kissing up to Sheree, by telling Sheree how beautiful she is over and over again and then saying they look alike! But Sheree had the best line of the night by far: "I am fashion. I have impeccable taste. And I WILL be the best dressed tonight." Standing next to Kim, she was almost the only one dressed at all since Kim's DDs were dangerously close to popping out of her too small dress all night.

They're all absolutely 100% tacky and without class. But you know what? They have gazillions in disposable income and we don't. So they don't give a damn what we think. Ah, the nouveau riche. We don't want to be them, we just want their money.

I guess the spaying of my friend story can wait another day.


And now, your Daily Moment of Schmidt:

"Several McCain advisers have suggested to CNN that they have become increasingly frustrated with what one aide described as Palin 'going rogue'...

The Politico reported Saturday on Palin's frustration, specifically with McCain advisers Nicolle Wallace and Steve Schmidt. They helped decide to limit Palin's initial press contact to high-profile interviews with Charlie Gibson of ABC and Katie Couric of CBS, which all McCain sources admit were highly damaging...

But two sources, one Palin associate and one McCain adviser, defended the decision to keep her press interaction limited after she was picked, both saying flatly that she was not ready and that the missteps could have been a lot worse...

'Her lack of fundamental understanding of some key issues was dramatic,' said another McCain source with direct knowledge of the process to prepare Palin after she was picked. The source said it was probably the 'hardest' to get her 'up to speed than any candidate in history.'" ~CNN, 10/25/08

Hi Mrs. Schmidt!

The Review is In!

Clearly this young lady has great intelligence and taste! I received a Facebook friend request earlier with the following message attached: "You don't have to add me but somehow I stumbled [upon] your blog and think you are HYSTERICAL!!!!!"

Let's just bask in that for a second, shall we?







Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... I'm warm and fuzzy in a cold, drafty house. Bless you, dear girl. With you, that brings the total number of folks who find my blog hysterical up to 2, so of course I will accept your friend request!

And what a nice little motivator for the upcoming NaBloPoMo. Yes, that's right, National Blog Posting Month is just days away! I've been resting up for the challenge to write one blog per day for the entire month of November. I can't wait to dig up some more embarrassing stories! And now that I've recently reconnected with so many long lost friends, I can delve into their embarrassments for material as well! I'm sure they're all very happy about that. I actually had one friend in the past who said of my writing ambition, "If you ever write about me or my family, I'll kill you." It was a very effective deterrent, as this is the first time -- and the last time -- I will ever mention her or her family.

And now, your Daily Moment of Schmidt:



"Steve Schmidt is 38, bald and brawny, with a nasal, deadpan voice and a relentless stare. He is also a devoted husband and father of two young children, introspective and boyishly vulnerable for someone of such imposing stature. On mornings, he can be seen standing outside the McCain campaign headquarters in Arlington, Va., smoking a cigarette while he scowls at his BlackBerry." ~NY Times Magazine, 10/22/08

Hi Mrs. Schmidt!

This Just In!

In other news, the earth is round and the sun will rise tomorrow...

Clay is gay: Aiken comes out of the closet

By NEKESA MUMBI MOODY
AP Music Writer

NEW YORK (AP) - Clay Aiken is finally confirming what many people already knew: He's gay. The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay." The cover also has the quote: "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things."
The magazine has an interview with Aiken and confirmed that he was on the cover but refused to release the article to The Associated Press until Wednesday.

The baby's mother is Aiken's friend and record producer Jaymes Foster.

Aiken, who gained fame as the runner-up on "American Idol" in 2003, rarely addressed the frequent rumors about his sexuality. In an interview with The Associated Press two years ago, he said: "I don't really feel like I have anybody to answer to but myself and God and the people I love."

The multiplatinum singer recently released the CD "On My Way Here" and made his Broadway debut this spring in "Monty Python's Spamalot."

You All Bring Beer?

Something tells me this guy would have made an excellent adult kickballer...

Ex-Marine last holdout in barrier island town
By ALLEN G. BREED

SURFSIDE BEACH, Texas (AP) — Ray Wilkinson sat with his feet propped on the railing of his front porch Saturday, calmly dragging on a Marlboro Light as reporters asked whether he considered himself brave for being the only person to ride out Hurricane Ike on this spit of sand.

"I consider myself to be stupid," Wilkinson, 67, spat through a thick, tobacco-stained beard. "I'm just tired of running from these things. If it's going to get you, it's going to get you. ...

"I didn't say I had all my marbles, OK."

The retired carpenter and former Marine insists he's never stayed for a hurricane that was coming at him. He says he fully intended to leave when police issued a mandatory evacuation. But the friend who was supposed to give him a ride went for a last-minute run to the store and couldn't get back.

Mayor Larry Davison said city officials were told Wilkinson had left. But as they retreated from the flooded streets Friday, they saw him waving from the porch of the teal-colored stilt duplex he rents.

When Davison came back Saturday, he was shocked and relieved to see Wilkinson waving from the same spot, a tattered American flag flapping from the wall beside him.

"He kind of drank his way through the night," Davison said.

Wilkinson — dressed only in shorts, tennis shoes and a ball cap — said he sat on the porch the entire time as the house swayed as much as 10 inches. He watched debris float by — cars, stairs and refrigerators, "my own being one of 'em, damn it."

"You all bring beer?" he asked reporters.

Wilkinson said he came to Surfside Beach 30 years ago after a colon cancer diagnosis.

"I was supposed to be done with 10, 12 years ago — longer than that, actually," he said. "I pretty well can guess this is where I'm going to go. That's what I came down here for."

Just as with the cancer, he figures it wasn't his time to go.

Keeper of the Dogs

I've mentioned before how stray dogs seem to find me. Or me them. I'm never entirely sure. I'm a little obsessed with it quite frankly. I was just lecturing one of my softball teammates last night about the importance of attaching her dog's leash to either a choke chain or another collar so that should the dog wrest free of the collar attached to the leash, the poor shlub who finds her dog (me) will still have some identification to check. Nothing is more frustrating than finding a stray dog with no identification. She argued that the dog has a chip, but I explained that I don't have a chip reader. I'm sure I sounded a little crazy to her.

So what do I come upon on my way home from work today? A stray dog. He was on a pretty busy tree-lined street in a nice section of Norfolk. I drove past him and looked to see if his human was nearby and saw no one. And then began a quick debate with myself: "I'm sure he'll be fine. But what if he gets hit? I have to go pick up Bodhi [my dog] from daycare. What if it was Bodhi??" The outcome of this debate is always the same: I drove around the block and went back for the dog. By the time I got back around, he had crossed two lanes of traffic and was just chillin' on the median. There was no place to pull over, so I had to stop in the middle of one of the lanes and turn on my hazard lights. I wasn't sure if he was friendly, if he'd bolt, or bite. But I knew he was OLD. He had two frosted eyes and was moving pretty slow. I approached him and he seemed friendly enough and he was wearing tags. Bonus! Turns out he lived on this very street. I managed to get him up into the car and drove us out of traffic. I tried calling the number on his tag (the first number was almost completely obliterated -- this stray dog business is never easy) but got his owner's voice mail. Or the voice mail of a woman whose phone number was similar to Woodie's owner's. That was his name, by the way.

I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to realize I had picked him up pretty much right in front of his house. I walked down one block looking for the house number and then decided it was too far and drove down the alley behind the homes. Not all of them had numbers on the back, so I had to go back out along the front of the houses. It was then I found myself right where we started! I returned to the back of his house and was happy to see a car in the driveway. I checked out the house and discovered one dog and zero humans inside. So as usual, I was stuck. I wasn't quite sure what to do with him. Convinced that -- even though the inside dog was barking his head off the whole time and surely would have awakened anyone present -- the owner just hadn't heard me, I walked around front and tried the doorbell. It was then I saw the paper on the front porch and thought, "Lord, I hope they're not dead in there." I still couldn't figure out how Woodie had gotten outside.

When I was walking back to my car, I spotted Woodie's neighbor across the alley. He looked relatively harmless (and it was getting late!) so I asked if he knew Woodie and his owner. He said yes, and that she was away and had some friends watching the dogs. The friends had just left. And this is why I don't leave Bodhi with friends! Woodie's sitters hadn't done such a good job. I explained where I had found him and asked if he would mind watching Woodie until the friends returned. He said he and Woodie (who I discovered was a female) were old friends and he'd be glad to watch her. He was also going to call Woodie's mom and let her know what was going on. So hopefully everything worked out for Woodie. She was very sweet and I'm so glad I went back to get her. I would have been devastated if she had gotten lost or hurt.

Miss Bodhi was none-too-pleased however when I picked her up from daycare and she sniffed the back seat of the car. I tried explaining that it was a one time thing and Woodie meant nothing to me, but I don't think she bought it. She hasn't really talked to me since. I'd do it again though. It feels great to rescue a dog who actually needs rescuing! (Sometimes the Dogs Aren't Lost)

New Feature!

Yes folks, we have a new feature here at Cranial Vault -- a guest editorial! I personally am all atingle, especially since I haven't had anything to write about lately. This is actually a bold-faced lie (I really need to look that expression up one of these days) -- I have PLENTY to write about but nothing I'm ready to share with my ever-expanding public (or with my mommy) just yet (if ever)... So, to save the day, here's my dear and hugely-talented friend, Colleen Finn:

"Hey, I had a really bad feeling today as I was reading some of the posts from moms about this VP pick. Feel free to post this on your blog because I need to get recognition if it goes down like I think it will:

Prediction: In 2-3 weeks, Palin is going to back out from the VP nomination. She will cite family values and introspection which will lead her to make the decision to stay in Alaska and be there for her newborn son and as support for her pregnant daughter. She will make it very clear that McCain did nothing but encourage her to stay on, but supports her choice.

Everyone will 'Ooh' and 'Ahh' her decision, calling her a strong woman who made the right decision. Even surrounded by her current scandals, she will be praised. This will be followed by a boost in McCain support. "Way to go for choosing a woman, for sticking to party lines, for being open minded, blah, blah, blah" Then McCain will choose, as a running mate, whomever he had in mind from the beginning. Probably a choice that may not have been favorable weeks ago, but will now be heralded as a great decision after the Palin selection. The only thing I'm unsure about is who the real VP choice will be.

Either way, this current VP choice is a head scratcher in so many ways: out of the blue, inexperience, family issues, children issues, and the list goes on. Steve Schmidt is not an idiot and may just be an evil genius. I have a feeling that this entire thing was orchestrated for a bigger plan. Sure I sound like a conspiracy theorist...but let's just see how the next few months play out.

Do I get some kind of prize if I'm right?"

I think she's got a point here and makes a compelling argument. Should we work on some sort of prize? Maybe a free "McCain/Palin 2008" t-shirt? We may be able to get them cheap in the coming weeks...

I look forward to Steve Schmidt's mother's response. :)

I'm lying.

March of the Lemmings

OK, we all know school administrators have gone more than a little nutty over the last decade or so. Under the guise of protecting students from guns, drugs, and pedophiles, but mostly to protect school administrators from lawsuits, many schools have adopted zero-tolerance policies. Rather than judge each situation or problem on its own merit and make an educated decision, many schools have blanket policies that require no thought. These policies have resulted in some ludicrous decisions including the sexual assault arrest of a first grader for kissing another first grader on the cheek and the suspension of multiple students nationwide for bringing Tylenol, ibuprofen, or vitamins to school.

This story however, by far, is the single most ridiculous thing I have come across and I'm so proud it's happening in my own back yard:

Great Bridge band can perform at Disney but can't go on rides

CHESAPEAKE

School officials said today that the Great Bridge High School marching band will be allowed to perform in the Citrus Bowl Parade and in a parade on Disney World’s Main Street this year — they just won’t be allowed to go on any of the rides.

Students in the band and their parents had been planning to go before the school board next week to get permission to perform in the parades over their winter break. The Great Bridge High marching band has played in both parades every four years, for the past 16 years.

Parents and students say that they’ve been denied permission to go perform this year, because of a school division rule put in place in 2006 that bans trips to amusement parks and water parks. The rule is in response to incidents that took place in other parts of the country in which students on field trips were injured on park rides, school spokesman Tom Cupitt said.

Cupitt said the band can still travel to perform, but students must not go on any rides.

“They can do it, as long as once they’re done with the performance they get back on the bus and go to the hotel,” he said.

But no parents or students had been informed of any changes to the situation since last week, when band members were told that they wouldn’t be allowed to go, said band parent Robin Berens. They’re still planning on going before the board during the meeting Aug. 25.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You get the impression that Cupitt didn't actually hear the words he was saying. If I understand this correctly, he's suggesting the band travel (by bus most likely) from Virginia to Florida, march in a parade at Disney World, and then go back to the hotel or perhaps just jump right back on the bus for the ride home to Virginia. Because why else would they stay at Disney World if they can't go on any rides? Classic.

This reminds me of my trip to France in high school. Our French teacher was very young and probably bit off more than she could chew when she decided to take 10 or so teenagers to Europe. Not surprisingly, we saw this opportunity as a chance to smoke and drink as much as possible (this was pre-DARE 1985, after all). Miss Perrilloux decided she had had enough towards the end of the trip and grounded us -- we were forbidden to go to the Eiffel Tower. Unbelievable. Fortunately, three of our mothers who came on the trip as chaperones decided this was completely unacceptable and quit as chaperones on the spot. They had paid their way in full and damn it, they were going to the Eiffel Tower - as were their children and their children's friends. And they pretty much informed Perrilloux that there was nothing she could do to stop us. Recognizing this to be true, she rolled over and we were able to go to the Eiffel Tower after all.

Which is exactly what's going to happen in Chesapeake. There will be meetings and protests and endless stories in our local paper and the school will have to relent. Because there's one thing you don't want to do -- and that's piss off a bunch of parents. Especially marching band parents. I know, I was a band geek. If the school doesn't change its mind but fast, the band parents will mobilize the forces, sell seven tons of oranges, grapefruits, and wrapping paper, and threaten to take all the kids to Florida without the school's involvement. And then they'll wind up on the talk show circuit. First Jay and then Dave. Then Ellen or Oprah will swoop in and pay for everyone to go and then someone will thaw Walt Disney and he'll welcome them onto their first ride personally.

Hey, did I just write my first screenplay?

A Tree Grows in Jakarta

This morning's coffee klatsch was in full swing when Gloria hesitantly asked, "Did you...happen to watch ABC...and see the man...who is turning...into a tree?"

D-wha??

Sure enough. "Dede Koswara, 37, has been covered with bark-like warts for more than 20 years. The growths are believed to be caused by the human papillomavirus and began to appear on his skin after he cut his leg when he was 15."

The first pic doesn't seem so bad. I was thinking, "Hm. I don't know that calling him Tree Man is appropriate. It's not that bad. Mean people..."



Then the next pic appeared. Holy hell.



And finally, this one. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!



So, everyone composed?

The good news is, he's undergone some surgery and things are looking much, much better (relatively speaking).



I'm very happy for him and hope that more can be done to improve his quality of life. But in the meantime, this quote struck me. He says, "What I really want first is to get better and find a job. But then, one day, who knows? I might meet a girl and get married," the 37-year-old told the British newspaper The Telegraph from the hospital.

Do you mean to tell me that this guy's prospects of finding a wife are better than mine??!! :)

The Truth is Out There

Boy, these last few entries are cheating, aren't they? Stories from the news and now a video off the internet. But I felt the need to share. My poor mother still has dial-up and can't watch this thing, so if one of her more technologically advanced friends could re-enact this for her, I'd appreciate it!



And that's a home-grown, 100% gen-yoo-ine Amer-can there. (Sorry, I've had the "threat" of illegal immigrants on the brain lately. Another blog for another day...) I'm guessing we could keep her amused for days by having her chase a flashlight beam on a wall.