Thanksgiving in February

Some things I'm thankful for, off the top of my head and in no certain order:

~My mom

~My wonderful friends

~New days

~Earth, wind, and fire -- both the elements and The Elements ("Fantasy," in particular)

~Bodhi -- oh dear, she's going to be upset that she wasn't listed first!

~Dear, sweet Bodhi gets a second listing because I love and appreciate her that much. Even though she often smells, sheds like a motherf*cker, and eats my house.

~My job. Yes, it's beyond frustrating most days, but that's more the people and the red tape than the actual work itself. If I just dig in and focus on the work, I can almost remember why I wanted to do it in the first place. Plus, one of my best friends works there as well so that's pretty damn sweet.

~Some great friends at work. They make even the most difficult days more enjoyable.

~My brain. Which is why I need to start taking better care of it. I'll be working on being a kinder, gentler kickball partier this season. Watching too much Celebrity Rehab has me concerned that my brain is starting to resemble Dennis Rodman's!

~My heart. Both literally and figuratively. As for figuratively, as much as I get hurt over and over again, I'm glad -- to some extent -- that I'm a big mushball. It allows me to love my friends, family, and strangers openly and without fear or concern for self. Unfortunately, that's one of the things everyone keeps telling me I need to work on. Have to develop a hard candy shell for this sweet chocolate interior! :)

~My overall health. So far, so good. Save for some circulation issues and memory loss, I'm chugging along pretty well. Let's hope that keeps up!

~My house. There, I said it. Yes, it needs a ton of work and no, I don't have the skills or money to do much with it now but dammit, it's mine! I have a house. And I was tremendously lucky to get it when I did. It shelters me and Bodhi and it's my safe haven when things just get a little too hard for me out there. So I guess I really should start taking better care of it. Hmm...add that to the list. Take better care of myself; take better care of my house. :)

~Hope. I know without it, life is pretty unbearable. I've been there; I tried to leave my world when it was hopeless and I'm still here. Sometimes I think I know why, other times I have absolutely no clue. But I do have hope. For me, my family, my friends, and the world as a whole. It's part of the reason I hurt so much over so many things. I wish we could all just let the BS go and take care of and love each other. It's all there really is when you get down to it.

~This here blog. Sometimes it's an obligation, sometimes a frustration, but more often than not it's something I enjoy -- and hopefully some of you do too!

~Words. Laughter. TREES. The ocean. Most animals. The hundreds of things or people on any given day that make me smile. That remind me it's all connected.

Anything that feeds me spiritually, emotionally, and/or physically. I am so blessed and appreciate it all so much. And since I'm still -- even with all of this -- struggling, let's dust this off one more time:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2010: Year of AJ

Helloooooooooooo!!

I really feel like I should write something based on the feedback I've received on Facebook this week, but I'm somewhat torn since so many of you know what I've been up to all week because I've posted it on Facebook! The darn social networking site may be the ultimate demise of my blog!

But then there's Bert. And Mrs. Schmidt. And Gloria. None of them is my Facebook friend and therefore, they don't really know what I've been up to or how I'm doing or the amusing and/or stupid things I've done and thought all week.

So, if you Facebookers will be patient, let me at least get this out of the way for Bert, because I know he'll find it amusing:

What a crazy, wonderful week it has been. A couple fun opportunities landed in my lap and I just had a pretty good time. Did the news thing above out-of-the-blue and then got involved at the last minute on a bar tour volunteer video and overall just spent some quality time with quality people. I'm always amazed and appreciative when the universe knows I'm ready to move on and helps me to that end.

I struggled and procrastinated all week with my first standup comedy assignment and while I came up with some ideas, as usual I wasn't sure they'd work in the end. I wound up just winging it for the most part and damned if the class didn't like it! The teacher even called one bit close to genius and said it would be if I just fine-tuned it a little bit and I've gotta say, that felt pretty damn good!

Things aren't perfect and I'm still trying to extricate myself from The Drama. But I know it will get easier with each day, so I'm just plowing along. One of my best friends has declared 2010 the "Year of AJ" and I think I'm finally willing to give it a whirl. I have to find some way to take care of myself and love myself the way I've always cared and loved others.

Baby steps, my friends. :)

Well, lest this rambly blog resemble nothing more than a diary entry (yes, that still stings a little - lol) or a psychotherapy post, let's see if I can't spin a wee tale...

My mother asked if I was working last Friday and it became evident that she was asking because she was having something delivered to me at work. "Great," I thought. "I'm 40-years-old and my MOTHER is sending me flowers for Valentine's Day!" Still, it was a sweet gesture and once I looked past my patheticalness (look it up) I appreciated the fact that she would do something like that for me.

Alas, I was only working Friday morning but assured her that Anne would get the delivery. Well, Anne was off that afternoon, but I figured her hubby Don would be able to get the flowers. I was home in the afternoon and uncharacteristically answered my cell even though I didn't recognize the incoming number.

"Are you at work today?" a stranger asked.

"Uh....who is this??" I replied.

It was the florist. Looooong story somewhat shorter, he was at the wrong entrance for our building; I gave him correct directions; called Don - discovered he was gone too; and made arrangements with another coworker to get my flowers.

We were closed on Monday, so I didn't see them until 4 days after they were delivered. Still, they had water and should have been fine. Over the weekend, I discovered that my mother had actually sent them out of sympathy for the anniversary of my father's death, which was on that Friday. She sent me a huge tub of popcorn for Valentine's Day. :)

I got in to work on Tuesday and saw the flowers. They were half dead! Hahahahaha! I wasn't sure if it was an accident or by design! My Dad had actually suffered a stroke a couple years before he died and the flowers were lilting to one side... I asked my mother if she had specifically requested leaning, half-dead flowers to commemorate my father's death!

And being my mother and as twisted as I, that dear woman laughed her head off when I asked.

Great week. Great friends. Great Mom.

No, things aren't all as I'd like, but damn they're pretty wonderful as they are. :)

All you need is love

Greetings!!

Hope everyone is having a lovely Valentine's Day!

Based on my unofficial observations from the last few days, the greater majority of you just groaned at that and/or rolled your eyes. Very strange. I know it's a made-up Hallmark holiday, but it seems I ran into far more cynics this year. I'm not saying that it's a huge holiday for me, but I'm surprised that so many people are somehow opposed to being romantic or celebrating love or just remembering to appreciate the friends, family, and/or lovers in their lives. It seems to me most of the couples were treating it as "just another day" and most of the single folks were just waiting for it to pass by so they could stop being reminded that they're single.

Ah, ain't life grand?

I should have been more bummed about it this year I suppose, but I'm really not. I had a great weekend and am thankful for all the love and support and appreciation the universe has been throwing my way the last couple days. I am truly a very lucky person and if I stop stressing about one aspect of my life long enough, I see how lucky I am very clearly.

So that's my Valentine's Day Resolution: focus on the positive. I'm going to focus on all the wonderful things that I do have and let go of the things I don't.

In other news, I started an 8-week standup comedy writing class today with 11 other students. It was an interesting experience and I have no idea how this is going to pan out. My homework this week is to come up with 2 minutes about myself, composed of 10 jokes. This should be interesting. Wish me luck!

That's it for me tonight. I'm sleepy and am going to go curl up with my best and most faithful girl, Miss Bodhi. I hope you're all having a good weekend and if you're not, I hope you have people you can reach out to for help and support. I found myself talking to 3 people yesterday and offering them the very same advice that I have had a hard time following myself. Funny how the people you didn't even know you needed can get dropped into your life at just the right moment. I love being tapped into the universe that way and I'm really looking forward to finding out what it has in store for me next.

Here's to better, happier days for all!

Happy Valentine's Day, whether you like it or not! :)

Love,
AJ

Serenity Now

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...

What do you guys do when things are utterly and absolutely out of your control? I've come so far in accepting things I can't change and pointing out the same for others in an attempt to bring them peace and perspective. And yet, when I'm really tested -- when it's something I really care about and have a vested interest in -- I find that all of my evolution and understanding and mature acceptance of the unacceptable is just utter horse shit.

I'm helpless and don't know where to go from here. The only thing I can think to do is to keep breathing and try to ride it out. But that seems about as lame -- and pain-inducing -- a response as I could possibly think of. Apparently, I'm not really built for diversion. I should be flocking to my friends and busying myself with activities and -- Lord knows -- home improvement and any number of hobbies and yet here I sit. Just steeping in the absurdity and helplessness of it all.

The choice is mine. I, in theory, can change direction and course any time I choose. And yet...

Every time I tell myself to "Let go and let God" I find myself right here. I feel with every cell in my being and throughout my very core that this is where I'm supposed to be. If I were to try to walk away it would take a tremendous amount of effort and I believe cause me even more pain. Letting go leaves me here. The lesser pain, it seems.

But when do I get my answer? When do I find out that I was right or I was wrong? I almost don't care anymore (ok, that's a sack of shit, but it sounded good for a second); I'd just like to know. Dear God, I'd just like to know.

And if I find out I'm right but it doesn't affect the outcome? What then? Will it have all been a waste? I have a hard time believing that's how the universe works and yet, from where I'm sitting, it seems like a distinct possibility. I'm playing tennis by myself. At the plate with no pitcher, no fielders. Throwing a ball to no one.

Alone again,

naturally.

Is a Jolly Holiday Too Much to Ask For??

Well this is just getting ridiculous! A close friend has ended our friendship once again and all signs are pointing to it sticking this time. I have mixed feelings about this since it is by far the unhealthiest friendship I've ever had -- but there are extenuating circumstances and I suffer from the ability to always see its potential, not its reality.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that Voldemort broke up with me on February 2nd five years ago and I was so pissed at the time! Yes, I was upset by the breakup itself, but I was more upset that she had done it on February 2nd -- my maternal grandmother's birthday! I foresaw remembering my grandmother's birthday for the rest of my life (Groundhog Day is a nice little hint just in case) and now I would also remember it as the day the Dark Lord dumped me. Dang it! No chance of my fuzzy memory forgetting that one.

So I couldn't help but chuckle when I just realized that my friend was "dumping me" on the same damn day. Is nothing sacred? Can we stay away from holidays people??

Alas, this is a bit of a trend in my life.

My birthday is at the end of May and often falls on Memorial Day Weekend. So imagine my surprise when my Dad had 3 days of a holiday weekend from which to choose his moving day when he was leaving my mom and me -- and yet he chose my 15th birthday! I can laugh about it now, mainly because it strikes me as absurd, but for many years it hurt quite a bit. Being a guy, I'm sure he didn't think anything of it and wouldn't have done it if he had known it would hurt me, but there it is. So, the birthday suffered for a few years.

Next up was Christmas. The last time I saw my maternal grandfather was in the hospital on Christmas day when I was seventeen. He died 4 days later and I still think about it every year.

And then came Dad again! He died on February 12th and I remember saying to my best friend, Lauren, "Dammit, there goes another holiday!" thinking of Valentine's Day. Lauren responded, "I didn't realize you were so attached to Lincoln's Birthday..."

I feel like there are more, but that seems like enough for me anyhow. I think people should plan their fights and deaths more appropriately. There are only so many holidays in a year -- can't you avoid them??

Daddy's Shovel

Greetings from snowy South Hampton Roads, Virginia! Yes, the unthinkable actually occurred – we had a snow storm on Saturday. I use the term “storm” loosely as we in Norfolk only received about 5 inches of snow – although, thanks to Norfolk’s snow removal plan of, “Wait for it to melt,” I guess storm is the appropriate term after all.

Unfortunately, we also received some rain and have had freezing temps, so we have a couple inches of ice underneath the snow. My attempt to shovel my sidewalk today was mostly for naught. Thanks to my laziness regarding the sweeping and removal of fallen pine needles from the sidewalk leading to my house, that stretch is actually clear! The pine needles made an excellent barrier between the sidewalk and ice and clean up was a breeze! The public walk beyond my fence is a disaster however and I’ll be embracing Norfolk’s snow removal philosophy until ordered by someone to chop the ice away.

All of this brings me to Daddy’s shovel, for that’s what I used earlier today. I don’t often think of its significance, but did so just a few minutes ago. I may never get my father’s beloved music as I requested the day of his funeral, but at least I have his shovel. I’m sure he’d find it a little ridiculous if he knew. I’m not even sure how it became a “thing” for me, but it’s one of a handful of items that I intend to have with me until the day I die.

I’m not sure when Dad picked this thing up. I think I must have been around 10 or so – at least that’s my earliest memory of it. The thing was HUGE the first time I saw it and I could barely lift it. I believe it was taller than me or my height at the time of its arrival. It stands about 5 feet tall and the handle itself makes up 90% of the length. I’m pretty sure I remember crying the first time I had to use it. It has a simple wooden handle and a square blue shovel. The bottom edge of the shovel is curled up now from 3 decades of use and a decent amount of the blue coloring has worn off, but the thing is still functional.

I’m not sure why Daddy didn’t take the shovel with him when he left. I guess since my mother and I were staying in the house, he thought he should leave it behind. Then again, he left in May so maybe he hadn’t even given it a thought. Not much call for snow shovels in May – even in New Jersey. I’m fairly certain I probably cursed him and that shovel the first winter without him when I became the ‘man of the house.’ I do remember resenting that shovel for several winters.

I don’t know if I kidnapped it for sentimental reasons or pure function when I moved to Richmond a week after the blizzard of ’96. I seem to remember thinking shovels might be hard to come by in the South and since the roads were still treacherous I had gotten in the habit of keeping the shovel in my car in case I got stuck. Regardless of my reasons, bringing it to Richmond was a good call on my part since there were approximately 5 shovels in Richmond in January of 1996.

I haven’t had to use it down here very often at all. In fact, I’ve been in this house for almost 5 years and this is the first snowfall of any significance we’ve had since I’ve been here. The last storm was in December 2004 and I was still living with the Dark Lord – and used Daddy’s shovel to clear our sidewalks and driveway at the time. There was a storm in the early Aughts when I was living in Norfolk and I remember another doozy of one while in Richmond in 2000, but outside of that, the shovel’s been pretty idle. And yet, I can’t imagine my life without it now. I know it’s silly, but it’s a part of my past. It reminds me of a time so long ago that I sometimes think I dreamt it. It reminds me of my father – the love, anger, frustration, and humor. I can hear him when I use it. I’m so thankful for that. And so, I’ll keep carting this thing along for years to come. Even if I wind up somewhere without snow, I’ll still have Daddy’s shovel – and I know that would make him weirdly proud and make him laugh – two things I miss deeply.

Fudgie the Whale, It Ain't

My printer/scanner came back to life unexpectedly -- and briefly -- the other day and I was able to scan in some pics, or "blog seeds," as I thought of them.

For the record, THIS is a picture of a Carvel ice cream cake:

And THIS is a picture of the "ice cream cake" I received from a "friend" for my 32nd birthday:

You'll note that yes, it is technically an ice cream cake. It contains cake and ice cream. Outside of that, it bears absolutely no resemblance to a Carvel ice cream cake! Where are the chocolate crunchies, for crying out loud??

Ah, good times. My good friends Anne and Ruth were all set to satisfy my only birthday request -- for a Carvel ice cream cake. Anne and I were rooming together at the time and had invited a bunch of our friends from Richmond down for Memorial Day Weekend and my best friend and her now-hubby were coming down as well. We had a house full of friends on an incredibly rainy weekend and had a great time. About the only thing worse than the weather was that damn cake! A friend of ours at the time who considered herself something of a chef decided it was perfectly silly for Anne and Ruth to purchase a cake and that she would make one instead. They insisted on Carvel, she insisted on a Kissel Original. And that's what I got. We had to clear the entire freezer out to store the thing and then we couldn't actually cut it. I'm pretty sure we just hid it in the freezer until the chef left.

The only saving grace is that my bff brought her grandmother's famous Dip. That's the green stuff in the bowl to the left. It's the world's bestest onion/garlic dip and I lived on it for the entire weekend. And no, we don't know why she insisted on making it green. But we've tried it without the food coloring and as crazy as it sounds, it doesn't taste the same! I used to bring Dip to work potlucks and had to make batches of it for several coworkers to bring to parties. This stuff is awesome! It's also somewhat toxic -- if you have any, you have to insist the people around you eat it as well. Consider it the first line of defense.

And now I know what I'll be making this weekend! :)

The Opera Singer

I was just walking across the parking lot towards our building when I was greeted with a pleasant, silly surprise. Seems the construction workers were having some sort of pickup truck stereo battle and the current winner was blasting opera. He was soon drowned out by R&B, but for a minute I was taken back to my bedroom in my childhood home and welcomed a memory I had all but forgotten.

Our house was on the corner of a somewhat major thoroughfare in our itty bitty town and there was a bus stop on the corner. I used to awaken to a man singing opera (beautifully, I might add) while he waited for the bus. I don't think I ever thought much of it -- that it was strange or that most of the world wasn't awakened in the same manner.

Years later, while in college, I worked for a mail order fabric company in town. I discovered one of my coworkers was the mother of a girl I went to high school with and she and her family lived two blocks up the street from my old house. Carlene and I got to talking one day and I found out her husband sang for the Metropolitan Opera in NYC. It was her husband who used to sing at the bus stop as he waited for his bus into the city!

We only lived in that house for the first ten years of my life. We then moved across the street and up five houses (putting our house along the walking route of the opera singer) and while I'd occasionally hear him sing a little as he walked by, I never got the full concerts I'd had while he waited for the bus...

I'm sure he and the opera house received plenty of adulation over the years. But I wonder how many of us in the neighborhood loved hearing him as well -- and how many of us were exposed to opera for the first time because of his free concerts down our street. I'm attending a sushi/opera night next month. I've been meaning to attend an opera forever but this will be my first. I hope I hear something that I learned as a child without even realizing it. Thank you, Ron Naldi, for bringing a little culture to Grandview Avenue!

Maybe It's the Vitamin D...

I don't often take my mother's advice (nor ask for it, truth be told), especially when it comes to things of a romantic nature. Don't know if it's because I'm gay and we had some...uh...struggles with that when I was younger that are burned indelibly on my psyche or if it's just my nature in general. I do absolutely appreciate knowing she's there if I do need to turn to her and I think she in turn knows I'm pretty bad off when I call needing to speak with her. She can usually tell by the fact that I'm sobbing before she answers the phone. :)

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that while I don't often take my mother's advice on some matters, I don't question her on vitamins or supplements. She cured my badly wrenched ankle (and subsequently some of my friends') by convincing me to take glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM and while it may just be a placebo effect, it worked, so who cares?

Mom's new supplement is Vitamin D. I don't remember who told her but he/she stressed that we don't get enough of it and Mom and her friends are popping them like M&Ms and supposedly everyone has a lot more pep in their step.

So I've added a double dose of Vitamin D (because the average concentration isn't enough according to her source) to my now daily routine of: multivitamin, fish oil, gingko, and Flexamin (the aforementioned glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM). I'm not sure if it's doing anything or not, but my house is clean, I stacked 3/4 of a cord of firewood last night, I've gotten motivated at work, and I've run during lunch over the last three days.

Now some of this may just be coincidental. I've got some things I'm trying to actively work on and in doing so I'm trying to tackle chores as they come up and take care of myself instead of putting things off. I'm also officially in training for a marathon in March, so I'm running daily as a survival mechanism. It just so happens that I feel pretty darn good about myself as a side effect.

Alas, since my life is one big golf game in which only two of the three components are ever working well at the same time (drives are good, short game is good, putting's in the sh*tter), one of my friendships is suffering again.

Things are the way they are.
Things are the way they are.
Things are the way they are.

I hope beyond hope that I will not rail against this in my next life. I can't begin to explain how frustrated I get when the general population at large -- and the people who are important to me specifically -- don't see that we are here for a BLIP in time!! Oh, it drives me out of my mind!! I know everyone is doing the best they can. I know everyone is on his or her own timetable...but we waste so much time!!!

And I'm yelling at myself in there too, so don't think it's just you. :)

I'm not living up to my full potential, are you? Some of it I have control over -- my career, my hobbies, my raison d'etre. But some of it is out of my control -- some of it involves other people and they're roadblocks to my realizing my full potential. So what to do? Do I wait for them to catch up? Do I ACCEPT that things (people) are the way they are and just ACCEPT what they have to offer when they offer it?

So many questions, so little time.......

tick
tick
tick
tick
tick
tick

Get to livin' or get to dyin'. Good luck to all of us! :)

Welcome to the Teens!

Man alive! Apparently, I'm worthless without some sort of monthly blog posting challenge!! I was thisclose to signing up for January's, but decided I would just write every day in January and not sign up for the challenge formally.

Whoops.

Four days in and this is my first post. And I'm really just doing this to say hello ("Hello!") and let you know my intentions...

I still have some left over stories from November's challenge and some updates from the last month AND -- I know you'll all find this very exciting!! -- a primer on road races that I shared with our dear friend Bert.

So let's all stay tuned, shall we?

I'll see if I can't get on the stick with the writing (go ahead Bert, I know what you're thinking...) and in exchange, I ask that you all pray for my continued heat until I can get a new heating/cooling unit installed. Thanks!

I hope you're all doing well so far in 2010 and look forward to our continued correspondence. Speaking of, I may not have posted a lot of blogs lately, but you folks are not leaving many comments when I do. Oh, you know who you are. :)