I really shouldn't be allowed to drink. And since I know my teetotaling mother is reading this, I know at least one reader would agree wholeheartedly! My friend Jack and I attended a wine festival yesterday and unfortunately, Jack kept me in wine for much of the afternoon. Oh, how I love red wine, but jaysus it eliminates what little editing power I normally exert over my overactive mouth!
Many of our friends were also there yesterday and I was looking forward to seeing one friend in particular, Lisa, who was attending with her current boyfriend. His name's Grover, so that's why the little blue guy is pictured here. He seems like a nice enough guy and Lisa really cares for him.
I've always been envious of the people in movies (because I can honestly say I've never seen someone pull this off in real life) who when faced with being dumped by the love of their life, walk away with their dignity intact and announce to the Dumper that they love him/her so much that they'd rather he/she find happiness elsewhere. Lord, when I got dumped I threw a three month (some might argue three year) tantrum about the whole thing! There was nothing even remotely classy about how I handled the situation. Picture a colicky baby being stripped of its pacifier...
Anyway, I realized yesterday that Lisa may be the one person on the planet who I really, absolutely, without question care about enough that I truly want her to be happy - even though it will never be with me. We've been friends for about two years now and I've been smitten since the moment we met. OK, that's a lie. I've been smitten since the second moment we met, but that's just a technicality. She's one of my closest friends - if not the closest friend - and I hardly ever see her. Our friendship exists mostly via email, but I tell her things I never tell anyone else and I cherish our friendship. I'm not sure if I play a unique role in her life or if I'm just one of many friends with whom she discusses the trials and tribulations of life. She's young and beautiful and always has a full dance card. She's the four ladies of Sex and the City blended into one person and I'm Carrie's laptop computer.
I'm writing this mess of a blog because I'm worried Lisa will pull back from me again. I never knew that she was actively doing so, but in the past she has said that knowing I had a crush on her made her more reserved with me. I didn't necessarily sense any differences in her behavior, but I know what it's like to keep an unwanted suitor at arm's length. It pains me that she felt she had to do that with me. My friendship with her is somewhat effortless on my end and it bugs me that she would have to edit her words or behavior for fear of.........well, fear of what, I'm not sure. I know that Lisa is 100%, all-American, low-fat, carb-free, Heterosexual®. She is not now, never has been, and never will be interested in me romantically. And I'm okay with that -- as if I had a choice anyway. It doesn't affect how I feel towards her or my ability to be her objective friend or her sounding board for her relationships. I genuinely want her to find her better half and ride off into the sunset littering her path with little bouncing balls of man-woman DNA. And I thought she knew that.
Alas, I have no idea how this topic came up yesterday, but while we were in the ladies' room at Todd Jurich's (is it pronounced Jurich or Yurich, anyone?) Bistro, someone decided to wear her big ol' red-wine-soaked heart on her sleeve. I guess I had convinced Lisa at some point that I no longer had a crush on her. I don't act like I do anymore and I don't tease her like I used to so I guess she figured I had finally moved on. I know it's futile, but I'll always have a crush on her. I just hope she realizes that it doesn't have to affect our friendship. I think lesbo crushes (lushes?) are different than man-woman crushes. Where is the line between close female friendship and a crush? If you remove the sexual attraction, I'd argue that most female friendships are crushes. There's the emotional intimacy and the love and compassion -- and the laughter! What's more intimate than mutual laughter?
Well, I'm clearly rambling here. And I'm not certain what the hell I'm trying to say. I'm just concerned that Lisa won't believe that I can be her friend and "just" her friend despite my feelings. They're not overwhelming, they don't impact how I act when I'm with her or what I say to her. They're just there, tucked away in one of my many layers. I've had other crushes that have interfered with the friendship and made it too difficult for one or both of us. Come to think of it, I've been the target of some that have made the friendship too difficult. So I understand where she's coming from. I just hope that she'll take a leap of faith on this one. But if she doesn't, I'll go quietly because her happiness is too important to me.