Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Postcard from the Edge

I have to assume God wants me to blog. Why else would stuff like this happen to me?

There's this creepy guy who comes to the races with a running friend of mine. He has always skeeved me out and it's not just because he's older and wears little Richard Simmons' shorts that are two sizes too small. It's also his demeanor and his enthusiasm for another friend's young daughters a few years back. He creeped her out too. He also creeps out another friend of ours. And I'm guessing if we took a poll, he creeps out most women and a fair number of men. Just not the guy who brings him around to the races.

I've kind of made my peace with his existence and just avoid him as much as possible. So it took me a few minutes to think of him when I received the following postcard earlier today. My first name was spelled incorrectly and for the life of me, I couldn't think of any "running pals" named David. I'm glad I saw the back of the postcard first, so that the true horror of the card would be revealed as I realized who sent it and then.........turned it over.

Here's the back:

And here, my friends (with an added Sesame Street band-aid for your protection) is the charming front:


Why does he even have my mailing address?? I had hoped the whole running gang had gotten postcards, but it sounds like I may just be one of the lucky ones. I can only imagine what my 60-something mail man thought, but then again he once awkwardly asked me out for a drink, so this may help explain my not taking him up on the offer.

But seriously, WTF??!!

I have to see this freak on Saturday and I'm hoping he was drunk when he wrote and mailed the thing and won't remember. 'Cause how on earth do I address this if he wasn't? "Hey, Captain Inappropriate, thanks for sexually harrassing me through my own mailbox. Bravo."


Monday, February 16, 2009

Mike Birbiglia

I've been sick for the last week and am just now beginning to feel a litttttle bit human again. Needless to say, three days on the couch with only an outing to Patient First (our local doc-in-the-box) hasn't produced a lot of material (but has produced a tremendous amount of phlegm. You're welcome).

Anyhoo, I'm catching up on Bonnie Hunt Show episodes, just saw this guy, and found him very amusing. Hopefully you will too. Enjoy!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Lover of Doo Wop

By way of explanation for what I'm posting, I lost my Dad 12 years ago today. I have lots to say on this topic, but will save that for another time. In the meantime, I'd just like to share something I wrote about him for my myspace profile. I was asked who my hero is and this was my response:

My Dad. Civil engineer by day, Rescue Squad / Mercy-6 Cardiac Unit EMT volunteer by night. Lover of Doo Wop. Belcher of the alphabet. Amateur finger snapper. Seaglass hunter. Rescue Squad Santa Claus. Keep watching over me, Boomer. "Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin' back at me. Dancin' in moonlight, I know you are free, 'cause I can see your star shinin' down on me."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Greetings from Huntington!

Ah yes, still in Huntington, WV. Only now I seem to have picked up a wee virus and his friends are camped out in my sinuses. My friend Anne has been sick since we got here, with a different symptom every day, so I'm lucky to have made it this long without anything. The weather has been warm, but rainy, and while the sun is poking out now, we've been promised winds gusting to 60 mph for later. All in all, a lovely holiday.

Well look at me trying to put a brave face on it all.

I feel like I've been abducted and dropped off in a dead little town. There are occasional signs of life -- a restaurant here or a pet store there -- but for the most part, it looks like a downtown that has seen better days. I think they're trying to revitalize it, which is admirable. I just hope they don't change the sign at the Love & Co. Hardware Store across the street from the hotel. It looks like the sign and business haven't changed since the 50s or 60s and I'm okay with that.

Oh, this was a little unexpected bright spot! I was getting tea at Starbucks this morning (a sure sign that I'm not feeling well) and happened to look down at the one remaining CD they had -- it's a Dean Martin CD that I owned, and lost, and could not replace! They must have brought them back out for Valentine's Day and I totally lucked out! I like the version of the songs on the CD and the arrangement and have been unable to find it anywhere -- it's a Starbucks creation and I thought was just a one time thing. Hence, my happiness when I found it...

Wow, this blog is as exciting as this trip.

The only good thing is that we're staying a block away from a movie theater. I saw Coraline the other day and ran off yesterday afternoon to see "Slumdog Milliionaire" -- which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm thinking about seeing either "The Reader" or "Revolutionary Road" this afternoon, so it looks like it's going to be Kate Winslet one way or another. I've already seen more movies in three days than I have in the last three years. And it's keeping me out of trouble so I can pay attention in this class.

My classmates are now Googling themselves because they haven't done that before. WTH? I can't believe there are only 3 of us in here who have Googled themselves... Weird.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's a little turbulence ahead...

I always assumed flying with a hangover was a bad idea and today I proved it. I didn't have a really bad hangover, but there was still some fuzziness of head and turbulence of stomach going on this morning. It didn't help that I set the alarm for 4am since I still hadn't packed as of last night. I decided to crash early and rise early -- though a little later than planned, as I hit the snooze for an hour. My friends Anne and Don were giving me a ride to the airport and I suspected they'd be earlier than planned. And they were.

We flew out of Norfolk on what seemed like a really small plane until I saw our connecting plane. I thought for sure the crew was underneath it winding up a big rubber band whose release would spin the propeller and send us on our way. [Some of you may be too young for that joke]. Our pilot must have been bored, because he aimed for turbulent clouds during the hour-long flight. I once again discovered my ability to meditate and pray at a crucial time. Funny how that works out!

We landed safely and were picked up by the hotel shuttle, driven by a raving lunatic. He seemed sane enough, but his propensity for driving 80 mph down 500 ft. side streets and taking turns on two wheels made me a little suspect. He has NO IDEA how close I came to vomitting on the back of his head. It reminded me of an incredibly nauseating glider ride I took in the early 90s.

We got here, checked out our rooms, and went foraging for food at one of those fake "town centers" that are sprouting up all over the place. They seem to be settled intially by a Funnybone Comedy Club and then the restaurants follow and then Starbucks and then before you know it, someone's being paid to sprinkle a couple pieces of litter around to lend some "authenticity."

We were done eating by 3pm and the prospect of sitting in my hotel room for the next 15 hours wasn't too attractive. Fortunately, this fake town center had a movie theater and Anne and I decided to go see "Coraline."

Anne purchased her ticket first and when she asked for one, the ticket window chick said, "It's $3 extra for the 3-D."


You've got to be kidding.

Nope! Off we went with our Ray Ban-lookin' 3-D glasses. I think the only thing I could do at this point that would be any worse for my stomach/brain would be to hop on one of those spinning tea cup rides. I was really quite concerned that I was going to toss my partially digested tortilla soup on the theater-goers unfortunate enough to sit in front of us.

And I have some history of vomitting on people in front of me, so I know from what I speak...

Fortunately for all, I managed to keep it together. But seriously, what the hell are the odds?? I didn't even know they were making "Coraline" in 3-D! Very enjoyable movie, by the way, especially if you're into the craft of movie making and/or animation.

With that, I'm abso-freakin-lutely exhausted and bid you adieu!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I survived the Polar Plunge once again and we raised over $800,000 for Special Olympics. Thanks to everyone who donated!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

We all know boobs have power. Mary Jo Shively said so many years ago on Designing Women when she was sporting fake breasts and anyone with large enough ones can probably attest to this as well. Boys do all sorts of silly things for girls with big knockers. But I've also discovered something very recently -- my blonde hair has power!

It's quite possibly one of the most ridiculous things I've seen in a while. I've had short hair for about 15 years now. I had short hair during most of my childhood and then grew it out to epic proportions in college. I'm from New Jersey, it was the late 80s/early 90s, and I'm sure you get the idea. I'd like to officially apologize for the hole in the ozone layer created by the copious amounts of Aqua Net I sprayed into the atmosphere.

Back then, my hair seemed like a handicap. I was pre-med and in many science classes. And on the first day of every semester, I saw the way some of the professors looked at me and how they spoke to me. Most of them thought I was a dumb blonde. This wound up being excellent motivation for me -- I did well in school to prove to them that I wasn't stupid.

I started growing my hair out again about 18 months ago. It was pretty damn short and even though I got called "Sir" on more occasions that I can count, I liked my hair for the most part. It required virtually no care and fit into my sometimes-active lifestyle very well. But, I felt like I could use a change. And now that there are a bunch of gray hairs in there with the blondes and browns, I was curious to see how it would grow out.

It's been a royal pain in the patootie, quite frankly. I don't have a head of hair; I have several heads of hair. There's an undercoat in there! And it's all wavy and curls in the wrong direction. I have to blow dry the darn thing every morning and then straighten it. I went from hopping out of the shower and going on my way to spending a good 45 minutes on my hair. Grrr.

But I have to admit that I like it. And now I've noticed an unintended consequence: guys are falling all over themselves to help me with things. I thought I started noticing a change a little bit ago, but didn't think much of it. But today I was running errands and by the time I got to the last place -- Home Depot -- I was sure of it. I had barely walked in the door and was looking at the aisle descriptors to see where to head when a guy who came in the door behind me asked if I needed help. He didn't even work there! Too funny. And then there were just a bunch of other guys along the way today. I'm amused, but I'm also a little annoyed. Maybe I should soak up the attentiveness now, in case I decide to cut my hair off again later...

Boys are stupid. ;)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Please pay the receptionist on your way out

Holy crap, I think I broke my blogger! How else to explain my absence? I've thought of a couple hundred blogs over the last few weeks, but just haven't had the motivation to put fingertips to keys. The biggest obstacle at the moment is that I have all sorts of nifty stuff to get off my chest or to mull in writing or vent about, but some of the subjects may very well be readers. So that's kind of out. Which leads me to believe I may have to start a super-secret blog that's just for me and a pack of strangers. But gosh, that doesn't sound like a whole heck of a lot of fun.

Let me just do a little stream-o-consciousness for a second so I can at least quiet one of the million voices in my head...

I wonder how Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Don Rickles, and their ilk do it. You may or may not find them funny. The thing that makes them spring to mind is that they are all sharp-tongued comedians. Someone else you know (or at least read) has been gifted/cursed with a pretty fast brain and an even sharper tongue. The result, is that many people find me funny. But some of them also seem to fear me. I'm sure they're afraid they'll be the butt of my humor. Which is SO freaking irritating to me because I really go out of my way to take peoples' feelings, temperament, etc. into consideration. I have wasted YEARS of my life assessing what should be said to or about a person, what they can handle, what they can't, and so on. And on top of that, I try to use an unscientific teasing ratio of 80% self-deprecating, 20% free-for-all.

I like pointing out the absurdities of life and oftentimes that includes people. Well, mostly my coworkers. I tell the truth and I'm blunt. I tease some of my friends. And I wind up receiving a butt load of crap back and I take it. Many times it seems imbalanced towards me -- more hostile than humorous -- but I'm guessing if you took a poll very few people would see it that way.

So I have to wonder, is my view completely distorted? And should I just stop? People have responded positively to my humor for more years than I can count, but if it keeps others at arm's length is it worth it? Or should I just assume that anyone worthy of my friendship would take the time to get to know me and see what's underneath the public persona?

See, that sounds right to me. Which means I shouldn't sweat the other people who just take me at face value.

Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it! I see you're fiddling with your pen and looking at the clock. I'll just let myself out.