Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Patrick Swayze

For those of you dear readers who aren't on Facebook, this blog may rock your world a little bit. I give you..............AJ's Patrick Swayze Theory:

Patrick Swayze, as we all know or should know as dedicated pop culture junkies, is suffering from pancreatic cancer. This, coupled with the defiant celebrity interview, should have sealed his fate many, many months ago. History has shown us that within 48 hours of giving the "I'm going to beat this thing" celebrity interview, most celebrities succumb to their illness. Please see Freddie Mercury, Bill Bixby, and Michael Landon for more information.

So you can imagine God's dismay when Patrick gave his interview and then had the balls to keep living!!

Many of you may have noticed a few months back that celebrities seemed to be dropping at an alarming rate. It wasn't long before the answer became crystal clear to me: God is picking off a celebrity-a-day until Patrick Swayze surrenders. I think we can all see Him thundering, "Bring me SWAYZE!!!" with each victim He acquires. And Swayze? He just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

Herewith, the list of Swayze's collateral damage:

David Carradine
Ed McMahon
Farrah Fawcett
Michael Jackson (this is when my theory first began to materialize)
Gale Storm
Billy Mays
Fred Travelena
Karl Malden
Steve McNair (this is when my friend Butch began blaming me for celebrity deaths -- it's not me, it's GOD!! I just noticed the trend...)
Oscar Mayer
Robert McNamara
Walter Cronkite
Frank McCourt
Gidget (the Taco Bell chihuahua -- hey, gotta spread it around so people won't get suspicious!)
Corazon Aquino
Budd Schulberg
John Hughes
Eunice Shriver
Les Paul
Don Hewitt

Frankly, I can't believe people-of-note haven't stormed Swayze's house with torches, pitchforks, and Michael Jackson's doctor!

What, too soon?

So now I think The Swayze is on to me and trying to silence me. Hence my hellish week a few weeks back. Which makes me question my decision to go skydiving last week. Seems to me I shouldn't be jumping out of a plane while taunting Swayze. The jump got cancelled, but that's probably just to give me a false sense of security...

In the meantime, I don't wish Swayze any ill will. I'm not hoping he dies. I am a little concerned about Hollywood's numbers, but this is God's doing, not mine. Don't shoot the messenger, people.........


glo said...

Wait a second, you have not mentioned your own role in the death of Michael Jackson! Karaoke, anyone? I agree with your Swayze theory, but please share the blame.

Oh yeah, and I saw Julie & Julia. Are you going to quit your job and have your readers send in donations? Just wondering...

AJ said...

Apparently, Gloria is exposing my super power. I have a wee history as an Angel of Death. So when I started singing "I Want You Back" at the end of May and Michael Jackson died within a month, Gloria posited that I might be partially responsible... I'm sure I don't know what she's talking about. :)