Thursday, February 11, 2010

Serenity Now

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...

What do you guys do when things are utterly and absolutely out of your control? I've come so far in accepting things I can't change and pointing out the same for others in an attempt to bring them peace and perspective. And yet, when I'm really tested -- when it's something I really care about and have a vested interest in -- I find that all of my evolution and understanding and mature acceptance of the unacceptable is just utter horse shit.

I'm helpless and don't know where to go from here. The only thing I can think to do is to keep breathing and try to ride it out. But that seems about as lame -- and pain-inducing -- a response as I could possibly think of. Apparently, I'm not really built for diversion. I should be flocking to my friends and busying myself with activities and -- Lord knows -- home improvement and any number of hobbies and yet here I sit. Just steeping in the absurdity and helplessness of it all.

The choice is mine. I, in theory, can change direction and course any time I choose. And yet...

Every time I tell myself to "Let go and let God" I find myself right here. I feel with every cell in my being and throughout my very core that this is where I'm supposed to be. If I were to try to walk away it would take a tremendous amount of effort and I believe cause me even more pain. Letting go leaves me here. The lesser pain, it seems.

But when do I get my answer? When do I find out that I was right or I was wrong? I almost don't care anymore (ok, that's a sack of shit, but it sounded good for a second); I'd just like to know. Dear God, I'd just like to know.

And if I find out I'm right but it doesn't affect the outcome? What then? Will it have all been a waste? I have a hard time believing that's how the universe works and yet, from where I'm sitting, it seems like a distinct possibility. I'm playing tennis by myself. At the plate with no pitcher, no fielders. Throwing a ball to no one.

Alone again,



Nicole said...

Somehow... you need to change your perspective. Not sure how, but find a way. Seems you still have to learn the lesson... whatever it is. Don't you just hate that?! Or else, yes the Universe will present it to you again and again. Drop the oars - and let the current take you. Be confident in yourself - by yourself, happy there. Act it - if nothing else. People like to be around positive, strong, confident people. Be the energy someone wants to be around.

AJ said...

"People like to be around positive, strong, confident people. Be the energy someone wants to be around."

That's how I got in this mess to begin with!! hahahaha.

I guess I have to find my way back.

lauren said...

Accept the fact that you may never know the answer. Also realize that you may find the answer, yet over time that answer may change.

Ah yes grasshopper. The elusive answer, always changing like the wind.

Seriously, there really isn't an answer, just your believing in yourself.

Love and miss you.