Everyone's a Comedian...

Hello! I'm alive! I'm having a blast, running around with my head cut off, and survived my standup comedy debut this past Saturday. I still really haven't recovered from our festive weekend, so I'll keep it brief and just share the video of my big night. Hope you're all doing well and we'll talk soon! :)

Season in the Sun

So the first night of kickball was a little......odd. We jumped from 5 teams (maybe?) to 14 and my own team seemed to pick up about 150 new players. It felt like a whirling dervish sort of night. I bounced from person to person and saw a ton of people I hadn't seen in a while. It was great seeing everyone, but I didn't really spend much quality time with anyone. And all the while, our old friend Drama Cow was in the vicinity, making things a little awkward. Around the fourth time she did a literal 180 upon spotting me, I walked over and said, "This is stupid. Hello, X. How are you, X?" She turned and walked away. So, at least I know I tried.

Shortly thereafter, I realized I wasn't really having any fun. And I knew I had to work all day today, so it seemed wise to just pack it in. I'm hoping this isn't a sign of things to come for the season. I fear my all-or-none tendencies will be at work once again: I either have to get crazy and stay out all night to have a good time or behave, get bored, and leave early. Where's the happy medium??

I'm feeling the stirrings of a big change. It's like something's going on inside me and trying to make its way into the light of day...

And in the meantime, here are my horoscopes for March and April. They are ridiculously accurate!

March:
The whole spiritual thing seems to confuse you; however, it’s clearly growing on you. Think of it as a level of thought without words: a dimension of concept free from structure. Think of it as an opening in your mind, and what comes through is living information. If you relax, allow, and let go, this information will help you structure your other ideas and indeed your whole life around it. If you want to live for a principle, this is the one: the steady flow of energy that’s the essence of consciousness itself. Meanwhile, in the outer world, focus on cooperation. Move past outdated acquaintances and stale hostilities quickly. Don’t hold on to them; let them go with the ease of exhaling. Make a habit of transitions. Know when the time for something has arrived, and when it is up. You are preparing for one particular transition that you may not know about yet. It involves the work you do. Themes involve 1) doing something with this brilliant quality you have of not fitting in and 2) focusing your misty notion of a goal into a clear sense of mission that is guided by the living information. This will require trust because you will be making moves that are not preceded by the usual astonishing amount of mental chatter and debate. You will simply know and trust. The time has come.

April:
Your social environment is interesting now, and it’s going to get really exciting as the season progresses. I’m going to start with some conservative advice: Rekindle connections to your best friends. You love new friends and you’re a friendly pup, but with the surge of energy that’s coming your way, you’re going to want people close by who know you well, and whose opinions and perspectives you trust because they are so familiar with you. One thing to research with old friends is what dreams you’ve been talking about fulfilling for at least 10 years. The energy of your charts is bursting with new ideas, ideals, and craving for a new vision for your life. My hunch is that while you want and indeed need something new in contrast to what you have now, there are important elements of past dreams that you are recovering. Some of this involves collecting power that you have given away in relationships. You may be feeling confronted by just how powerful certain people are, and how potent are bonds of sex, shared resources, or contractual arrangements. That you are seeing the power of these relationships is an invitation to confront that truth rather than to back down. Your most dependable bellwether is this: To what extent do you feel that you can really make your own decisions, without running into the objections of others who seem to have power over you?

(http://www.chronogram.com/issue/2010/3/Horoscopes/Planet-Waves-Horoscopes-March-2010)

Waiting Room Musings

Wow, I'm sitting here waiting for my therapist who's running a few minutes late, and I stumble upon this nifty little link on my phone! Apparently, I'm the owner of a blog! Who knew?

How the heck is everyone? I think I'm doing ok. It's hard to say. I've been so busy that I really haven't had time to give it much thought. That may or may not prove to be a good thing. :)

Little Miss Bodhi is turning 11 years old on Saturday and I'm stunned how quickly the time has flown by. And I can never look at the passage of any period of time without thinking that the corresponding amount will fly past in the future -- only faster. I've done it since I understood the concept of time. Life has always seemed horrifically fleeting to me, ever since I was a kid. It's part of the reason I know this isn't my first time around. The frustration for me however is that this obsession with time past and future has made it difficult for me to stay present AND has rarely motivated me to squeeze the life out of life!

Instead, I sit. Daydreaming about what might have been or what could be, but strangely paralyzed. Hmmm... I should just bail on my appointment and go figure out what I want and how to get it! :)

Conspiracy Theory

I know, it's been too long. But I've been going through a lot and haven't really wanted to broadcast it. I'm still not sure I want to, but I need to get it down on paper (as it were) and out into the universe. I need help.

I have got to find a way to get myself out of the well I dropped myself into over the last 9 months. I had an unfortunate run-in with a girl I've come to call Drama Cow, after this comic:

Yes, I know it's immature to call her a name, but it's my way of injecting humor into what is quite truthfully a very upsetting and painful experience for me. Things kind of came to a head a week or so ago and she lied to my face about several things. Just prior to that, some mutual friends and I compared stories and discovered we rarely heard the same one on any given topic. It makes me wonder if anything she ever said to me was the truth. I'm flabbergasted by the whole thing and really wish she would just go away. Alas, that's not to be.

I'm stuck. She and I are not speaking any longer and in as Shakespearean a move as is available in 2010, she unfriended me on Facebook. The whole thing is just absurd to me. I'm left feeling used, hurt, and foolish and yet STILL care about her and am very worried for her when I stop and think about it -- which I'm trying not to do.

Here's where the difficulty comes in -- people are still talking to me about her. I can't escape her and I need to. I'm seriously considering quitting kickball so I can just avoid the whole situation. And I hate that. I shouldn't have to go anywhere. I was friends with hundreds of people through kickball before she ever played and I'm still friends with them now. It's my home. And now I'm uncomfortable in my own home. Phlagh.

Don't think for a second that I don't realize how ridiculous this sounds. But, that's the way it is -- kickball is the fabric of our social lives...

So here it is. I'm sick at the moment, so that's having an unfortunate effect on my mindset. I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things this week (oh, btw I ran a marathon last weekend) and will hopefully feel better. I just wish I didn't have this THING hanging over my head. I must find a way to acknowledge it and send it on its way, just like a disturbance in meditation. OK, there it is, it exists, be on your way now...

I had a lightbulb moment a few minutes ago that is the real reason for this blog. A voice in my head said, "Decide what you want and the universe will conspire to make it happen for you."

And that's just what I'm going to do! I'll let you know how it goes. I hope you are all healthy and happy and appreciative of all the wonderful things in your lives. I am still struggling to focus on the good and not the bad. I have so much to be thankful for and so many wonderful people who I appreciate and love. I hope they know it.

And no, Anne Tickle, I will not fall in love with you so that you can use me as the Relationship Conduit!! Stop trying to manipulate The Force! ;)

What I Want

Was about to sit down and write some jokes -- finally! -- and stumbled on the following. I wrote it a while ago and just banged it out in a few minutes, but it pretty much sums it up. So universe, if you're listening... :)

What I Want

Someone who enjoys my company and wants to share activities, thoughts, dreams, etc. with me.

Someone who is financially independent

Someone who is productive, creative, and fun-loving

Someone who seeks and finds balance in life and love

Someone who does not take herself too seriously and looks for the humor in life

Someone who appreciates me, my efforts, and my love

Someone who is not selfish

Someone who is her own person but who is open to being in my world and letting me in hers

Someone who is faithful

Someone who recognizes that new is always shiny and who likes, loves, and respects me enough to work on our relationship

Someone who recognizes her own idiosyncrasies

Someone who is not a victim all the time

Someone who recognizes that we can and will both be at fault on occasion. Statistically, it can’t always be my fault. :)

Death is Easy, Comedy is...wait, it will come to me

Greetings!!

I am in fact alive, if not without words to share... I've gotten myself in a bit of a pickle. I'm taking that standup comedy writing class and as is typical for me, I'm procrastinating my ever-decreasing ass off! Consequently, I feel like if I have anything even remotely creative to say in writing, I should probably make it for my standup class and not for my blog.

Additionally, I've been kicked to the curb once and for all but in an effort to extricate myself from the emotional/spiritual/physical/intellectual web I've been embroiled in for 9 months, I've decided to not write about that either.

So here we are! Anyone want to contribute something? :)

I put out the word on Facebook the other day asking for therapist referrals (at least one friend thought I meant a massage therapist...) and have an appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck! It's about damn time I reach my full potential in all aspects of my life, so I'm pretty excited to get to work.

And hopefully we can address this procrastination problem as well. This damn standup class is gonna kill me!! I've been home all day and have written squat.

It started raining/snowing/slushing here last night and as such, I spent all of last night getting up every two hours to pump out my crawl space so that the pooch and I would have heat. Once awakened for the day, I pumped it out every hour. And still...did no writing.

But the notebook is open over on the couch and there's hope I might get SOMETHING fleshed out in the next couple hours.

I fully understand why I have never pursued this avenue before. I'm wondering if there isn't room in the comedy realm for a completely improvisational standup comedian. Perhaps it's time. Because this writing of jokes thing is HARD! :)

All right, all right, that's enough bitching from me. Just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still here.

Hope you're having a great week!

Thanksgiving in February

Some things I'm thankful for, off the top of my head and in no certain order:

~My mom

~My wonderful friends

~New days

~Earth, wind, and fire -- both the elements and The Elements ("Fantasy," in particular)

~Bodhi -- oh dear, she's going to be upset that she wasn't listed first!

~Dear, sweet Bodhi gets a second listing because I love and appreciate her that much. Even though she often smells, sheds like a motherf*cker, and eats my house.

~My job. Yes, it's beyond frustrating most days, but that's more the people and the red tape than the actual work itself. If I just dig in and focus on the work, I can almost remember why I wanted to do it in the first place. Plus, one of my best friends works there as well so that's pretty damn sweet.

~Some great friends at work. They make even the most difficult days more enjoyable.

~My brain. Which is why I need to start taking better care of it. I'll be working on being a kinder, gentler kickball partier this season. Watching too much Celebrity Rehab has me concerned that my brain is starting to resemble Dennis Rodman's!

~My heart. Both literally and figuratively. As for figuratively, as much as I get hurt over and over again, I'm glad -- to some extent -- that I'm a big mushball. It allows me to love my friends, family, and strangers openly and without fear or concern for self. Unfortunately, that's one of the things everyone keeps telling me I need to work on. Have to develop a hard candy shell for this sweet chocolate interior! :)

~My overall health. So far, so good. Save for some circulation issues and memory loss, I'm chugging along pretty well. Let's hope that keeps up!

~My house. There, I said it. Yes, it needs a ton of work and no, I don't have the skills or money to do much with it now but dammit, it's mine! I have a house. And I was tremendously lucky to get it when I did. It shelters me and Bodhi and it's my safe haven when things just get a little too hard for me out there. So I guess I really should start taking better care of it. Hmm...add that to the list. Take better care of myself; take better care of my house. :)

~Hope. I know without it, life is pretty unbearable. I've been there; I tried to leave my world when it was hopeless and I'm still here. Sometimes I think I know why, other times I have absolutely no clue. But I do have hope. For me, my family, my friends, and the world as a whole. It's part of the reason I hurt so much over so many things. I wish we could all just let the BS go and take care of and love each other. It's all there really is when you get down to it.

~This here blog. Sometimes it's an obligation, sometimes a frustration, but more often than not it's something I enjoy -- and hopefully some of you do too!

~Words. Laughter. TREES. The ocean. Most animals. The hundreds of things or people on any given day that make me smile. That remind me it's all connected.

Anything that feeds me spiritually, emotionally, and/or physically. I am so blessed and appreciate it all so much. And since I'm still -- even with all of this -- struggling, let's dust this off one more time:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2010: Year of AJ

Helloooooooooooo!!

I really feel like I should write something based on the feedback I've received on Facebook this week, but I'm somewhat torn since so many of you know what I've been up to all week because I've posted it on Facebook! The darn social networking site may be the ultimate demise of my blog!

But then there's Bert. And Mrs. Schmidt. And Gloria. None of them is my Facebook friend and therefore, they don't really know what I've been up to or how I'm doing or the amusing and/or stupid things I've done and thought all week.

So, if you Facebookers will be patient, let me at least get this out of the way for Bert, because I know he'll find it amusing:

What a crazy, wonderful week it has been. A couple fun opportunities landed in my lap and I just had a pretty good time. Did the news thing above out-of-the-blue and then got involved at the last minute on a bar tour volunteer video and overall just spent some quality time with quality people. I'm always amazed and appreciative when the universe knows I'm ready to move on and helps me to that end.

I struggled and procrastinated all week with my first standup comedy assignment and while I came up with some ideas, as usual I wasn't sure they'd work in the end. I wound up just winging it for the most part and damned if the class didn't like it! The teacher even called one bit close to genius and said it would be if I just fine-tuned it a little bit and I've gotta say, that felt pretty damn good!

Things aren't perfect and I'm still trying to extricate myself from The Drama. But I know it will get easier with each day, so I'm just plowing along. One of my best friends has declared 2010 the "Year of AJ" and I think I'm finally willing to give it a whirl. I have to find some way to take care of myself and love myself the way I've always cared and loved others.

Baby steps, my friends. :)

Well, lest this rambly blog resemble nothing more than a diary entry (yes, that still stings a little - lol) or a psychotherapy post, let's see if I can't spin a wee tale...

My mother asked if I was working last Friday and it became evident that she was asking because she was having something delivered to me at work. "Great," I thought. "I'm 40-years-old and my MOTHER is sending me flowers for Valentine's Day!" Still, it was a sweet gesture and once I looked past my patheticalness (look it up) I appreciated the fact that she would do something like that for me.

Alas, I was only working Friday morning but assured her that Anne would get the delivery. Well, Anne was off that afternoon, but I figured her hubby Don would be able to get the flowers. I was home in the afternoon and uncharacteristically answered my cell even though I didn't recognize the incoming number.

"Are you at work today?" a stranger asked.

"Uh....who is this??" I replied.

It was the florist. Looooong story somewhat shorter, he was at the wrong entrance for our building; I gave him correct directions; called Don - discovered he was gone too; and made arrangements with another coworker to get my flowers.

We were closed on Monday, so I didn't see them until 4 days after they were delivered. Still, they had water and should have been fine. Over the weekend, I discovered that my mother had actually sent them out of sympathy for the anniversary of my father's death, which was on that Friday. She sent me a huge tub of popcorn for Valentine's Day. :)

I got in to work on Tuesday and saw the flowers. They were half dead! Hahahahaha! I wasn't sure if it was an accident or by design! My Dad had actually suffered a stroke a couple years before he died and the flowers were lilting to one side... I asked my mother if she had specifically requested leaning, half-dead flowers to commemorate my father's death!

And being my mother and as twisted as I, that dear woman laughed her head off when I asked.

Great week. Great friends. Great Mom.

No, things aren't all as I'd like, but damn they're pretty wonderful as they are. :)

All you need is love

Greetings!!

Hope everyone is having a lovely Valentine's Day!

Based on my unofficial observations from the last few days, the greater majority of you just groaned at that and/or rolled your eyes. Very strange. I know it's a made-up Hallmark holiday, but it seems I ran into far more cynics this year. I'm not saying that it's a huge holiday for me, but I'm surprised that so many people are somehow opposed to being romantic or celebrating love or just remembering to appreciate the friends, family, and/or lovers in their lives. It seems to me most of the couples were treating it as "just another day" and most of the single folks were just waiting for it to pass by so they could stop being reminded that they're single.

Ah, ain't life grand?

I should have been more bummed about it this year I suppose, but I'm really not. I had a great weekend and am thankful for all the love and support and appreciation the universe has been throwing my way the last couple days. I am truly a very lucky person and if I stop stressing about one aspect of my life long enough, I see how lucky I am very clearly.

So that's my Valentine's Day Resolution: focus on the positive. I'm going to focus on all the wonderful things that I do have and let go of the things I don't.

In other news, I started an 8-week standup comedy writing class today with 11 other students. It was an interesting experience and I have no idea how this is going to pan out. My homework this week is to come up with 2 minutes about myself, composed of 10 jokes. This should be interesting. Wish me luck!

That's it for me tonight. I'm sleepy and am going to go curl up with my best and most faithful girl, Miss Bodhi. I hope you're all having a good weekend and if you're not, I hope you have people you can reach out to for help and support. I found myself talking to 3 people yesterday and offering them the very same advice that I have had a hard time following myself. Funny how the people you didn't even know you needed can get dropped into your life at just the right moment. I love being tapped into the universe that way and I'm really looking forward to finding out what it has in store for me next.

Here's to better, happier days for all!

Happy Valentine's Day, whether you like it or not! :)

Love,
AJ

Serenity Now

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...

What do you guys do when things are utterly and absolutely out of your control? I've come so far in accepting things I can't change and pointing out the same for others in an attempt to bring them peace and perspective. And yet, when I'm really tested -- when it's something I really care about and have a vested interest in -- I find that all of my evolution and understanding and mature acceptance of the unacceptable is just utter horse shit.

I'm helpless and don't know where to go from here. The only thing I can think to do is to keep breathing and try to ride it out. But that seems about as lame -- and pain-inducing -- a response as I could possibly think of. Apparently, I'm not really built for diversion. I should be flocking to my friends and busying myself with activities and -- Lord knows -- home improvement and any number of hobbies and yet here I sit. Just steeping in the absurdity and helplessness of it all.

The choice is mine. I, in theory, can change direction and course any time I choose. And yet...

Every time I tell myself to "Let go and let God" I find myself right here. I feel with every cell in my being and throughout my very core that this is where I'm supposed to be. If I were to try to walk away it would take a tremendous amount of effort and I believe cause me even more pain. Letting go leaves me here. The lesser pain, it seems.

But when do I get my answer? When do I find out that I was right or I was wrong? I almost don't care anymore (ok, that's a sack of shit, but it sounded good for a second); I'd just like to know. Dear God, I'd just like to know.

And if I find out I'm right but it doesn't affect the outcome? What then? Will it have all been a waste? I have a hard time believing that's how the universe works and yet, from where I'm sitting, it seems like a distinct possibility. I'm playing tennis by myself. At the plate with no pitcher, no fielders. Throwing a ball to no one.

Alone again,

naturally.