Monday, July 13, 2009

Vagina Man

As I sit here waiting for Son of Vagina Man and I've just announced this on Facebook, this seems like a good time to explain who Vagina Man is and how he aquired his unique (let's hope) nickname...

When Voldemort and I broke up eons ago, the housing market was at its absolute insane peak. I spent every single day for six weeks finding an affordable property, looking at it, placing a contract on it, and losing it by the end of the day. I had a dog and was therefore limited even more in my choices (who knew condo associations could dictate acceptable dog weight??) I had made arrangements to stay with a friend just to get me out of Slytherin, but that kind of exploded at the last minute. So I accepted the offer of some friends to move into their newly renovated house until I found a place of my own and/or until the brother of one friend moved in. During their renovation, I met a contractor friend of theirs.

Of course, two weeks after moving into their place, I finally found one of my own. It was my eighth contract and this place was (is) a doozy. It needs a ton of work. But more on that later...

I had been in my house about two weeks when I came home from work and discovered the garage door kicked in. &^%$# got my father's self-propelled lawn mower (which my mom and step-mom had brought down the week before), an edger, a weedwacker, and a generator -- as well as some crap the previous tenants left behind. I wasn't quite sure who to call about shoring up my busted garage door frame (I know, I'm gay and should be able to do this stuff myself, but I seem to be lacking in this department...) Anyway, I wound up calling the contractor guy. He came over right away and got to work. I believe I paid him in beer that night.

One week later, the bastards struck again. They got the replacement weedwacker and I think that's about it. I hadn't replaced the lawn mower or edger at that point... I called contractor guy again and once again he came right over to fix the door. I think he viewed it as a challenge at this point and all I could think about was Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam on that ship, each coming at each other with bigger weapons. Contractor Guy reinforced my door so much that his hope was my repeat offender would break his leg if he tried kicking the door in one more time.

So, this was the relationship Contractor Guy and I established: I'd call him at various hours during the day and night and he'd rush to my side and rescue me. I typically paid him in beer and/or money.

One night, we happened to be standing on my front steps and a woman who I would describe as a "breast with legs" was walking across the street. I pointed her out to Contractor Guy and then said, "I'm not really a breast woman." Contractor Guy said, "Me neither. I like vaginas."


We eventually made our way back inside and Contractor Guy says, "You know AJ, you keep offering me beer and money..."

"I'm not sleeping with you, Mark," was my response.

He said, "No, no, I'm not talking about anything like that. I'm not talking about sleeping together...I just...I was thinking we could work something out....I don't even have to touch it. I just want to look at it."


Good god, how do I get myself in these situations??!! I think he elaborated and explained further his enjoyment of the vagina, even from a distance, yada yada. I leapt to my happy place at this point and don't remember exactly what he said. And to this day I'm kicking myself because I wish I remembered EXACTLY what he said!! You can't make this crap up!

Now I do take some responsibility for pointing out Breast Woman and commenting on my preferences, but by god he knows I'm gay so I figured I was just hanging out with one of the guys. Egads.

For those of you on the edges of your seats, I told him "No."

But as I was relaying the story to my friend Dolores, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well, you DO need a lot of work done on your house..."

And he has forevermore been affectionately referred to as "Vagina Man." He doesn't know and he still helps me out on occasion and I still pay him in beer and/or money. And yes, he occasionally brings up his original proposal but I shoot him down as soon as I recognize the sales pitch.

His son was due over here about 40 minutes ago because I may be hiring him to mow my lawn.

Yes, go ahead, get it out. I can only hope he realizes what I truly want. In the meantime, as Son of Vagina Man, I'm considering the nickname of "Clitoris" for him...


Robert said...

Lil' Taint (close to, but not quite V-M)

(I'm so sorry...that filter mechanism appears to be corrupted this morning)

Robert said...

Your post reminds me of The Money Pit. Trapped in a home renovation from hell, the wife (Shelley Long) tells her husband (Tom Hanks) that she found a plumber..."but he want's me to sleep with him." The husband thinks for a moment then says, "a good plumber is hard to find."

AJ said...

Lil' Taint. Classic. Well done, Bert! :)

Heidi said...

how ironic would it be if Vagina Man's son's name was Clint.....