Communal Shower Etiquette Lesson #1

Let me just take a moment to clear something up for any of my readers who may find themselves in a similar situation. I've been an avid Miss Manners reader for ages and have never seen her address this, so it would be my honor.

When entering a communal shower (for example, at the Downtown YMCA) which contains 7 shower heads -- 4 on one side of the 'room' and 3 on the other -- try to not plant yourself next to the only other person in the shower. It's more than a little skeevy.

Now I understand the other bather's desire to get on the wall of 3 where I was standing. If she's a regular, she knows that the water on that wall gets warmer much more quickly than the other wall because it shares the adjacent steam room's pipes. But seriously, I was the only person in there. Was it really necessary to take the spot immediately next to me?

There's got to be some etiquette book somewhere that would advise leaving a shower head in between each person until it becomes absolutely necessary to fill in. This just seems like common sense to me.

If you crowd me in the shower, I will fight back the only way I know how -- I will place excess shower gel on my puff, lather the hell out of myself, and fling it all over you in the process.

Bert, this is not supposed to be an appealing visual. Stop that.

Be My Little Baby

Less than twelve hours after writing my Getting Ready to Piss blog, I found myself having a mini panic attack over the prospect of not having children. Strange. They just hit me completely out of the blue sometimes. The whole point of the blog was that I was ready to move forward with my life and what I think is my real 'career,' and then here I was having an unexpected, infuriating Ally McBeal moment.

I was thinking about it at our kickball bar that night and then I had a flash of inspiration. One of my friends is a perfect sperm donor candidate and he didn't hesitate in saying "Yes," as long as he has absolutely no legal or financial ties to the child. His girlfriend, my good friend Michele, laid down the law and said there was no way this was occurring the natural way unless there was a sheet between us with a hole in it and her face plastered on the sheet where Greg could see it...

I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm still not 100% sure I want children -- especially alone -- but I'm terrifed I'll wake up when I'm unable to have children and know at that very moment that I really do want them.

We were talking about it at the wedding and my friend Weeble was getting ticked that he wasn't asked. Then he told my Fest Husband, Jack, that he wasn't asked either and a ridiculous conversation ensued, with the boys all arguing about the benefits and strength of their sperm.

So I proposed that we make a sperm cocktail from the three contributors -- Greg, Jack, and Weeble -- and then we could take bets on who the best swimmer would be! We could open it up to everyone and have a pool going and maybe get some sponsors. I'm thinking reality show... I'd also like to see Michael Phelps' swimmers get in there to give the boys a dark horse challenger. We're thinking Vegas might get involved in the betting as well.

Doesn't this all sound like a beautiful way of bringing a baby into the world?! ;)

Illuminate Their Way Home

Morning! Hope everyone is feeling fine. I'm trying to rally for a cold, wet, and blustery Wine Fest this morning. I'm supposed to be there by 11am, so I've got to get a move-on...

I attended the wedding of two kickball friends last night. The groom is new to our circle of friends and I don't really know him that well. He's a Senior Chief Petty Officer in the Navy and had an enormous number of medals on his uniform -- I was afraid he was going to tip over at one point. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception, with many men and women in various Navy uniforms. Living in this area, I really should learn more about this stuff.

Before the reception began, one of Jayson's groomsmen took to the mic and said the following. By the time he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the house among the civilians. I thought it was worth passing along.

"Before we begin our activities this evening, we will pause to recognize our POWs and MIAs.

We call your attention to this small table, which occupies a place of dignity and honor near the head table. It is set for one, symbolizing the fact that members of our armed forces are missing from our ranks. They are referred to as POWs and MIAs.

We call them comrades.

They are unable to be with their loved ones and families tonight, so we join together to pay our humble tribute to them, and bear witness to their continued absence.

This table, set for one, is small, symbolizing the frailty of one prisoner, alone against his or her suppressors.

The tablecloth is white, symbolic of the purity of their intentions to respond to their country’s call to arms.

The single red rose in the vase, signifies the blood they many have shed in sacrifice to ensure the freedom of our beloved United States of America. This rose also reminds us of the family and friends of our missing comrades who keep the faith, while awaiting their return.

The yellow ribbon on the vase represents the yellow ribbons worn on the lapels of the thousands who demand with unyielding determination a proper accounting of our comrades who are not among us tonight.

A slice of lemon on the bread plate reminds us of their bitter fate.

The salt sprinkled on the plate reminds us of the countless fallen tears of families as they wait.

The glass is inverted - they cannot toast with us this night.

The chair is empty - they are not here.

The candle is reminiscent of the light of hope which lives in our hearts to illuminate their way home, away from their captors, to the open arms of a grateful nation.

Let us pray to the supreme commander that all of our comrades will soon be back within our ranks.

Let us remember and never forget their sacrifices.

May God forever watch over them and protect them and their families."

Another Breeder Event

Greetings and salutations! I'm blogging from my beautiful iPhone, Mildred, as I need to get ready for a wedding and don't have time to fire up the 'puter...

Needless to say, this one's-a gonna be-a shortie!

It's cold and rainy here and yours truly is sleeeeepy. I can only hope the prospect of the goofy looks my kickball friends will have on their faces when they see me in a dress will help me rally.

Hope everyone's having a great day and I'll catch ya later!

Shortest Blog Post

Jesus wept.

Hauntingly.

:)

HAUNTED

If you're paying attention, you know that the NaBloPoMo Jingleheimer Schmidt topic for the month of October is "haunted." I've decided to go for broke and see if I can't bust out a blog a day for both the month of October and November. I know, I feel the excitement in the air too... ;)

There's really no guarantee that I'll keep to the topic, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

First off, the "haunted" or scariest part of this is that I'm writing it on a kickball Thursday night. I should be off at our sponsor bar terrorizing the patrons with my karaoke singing, but I'm home doing laundry instead.

Yeah.

I'm road-tripping tomorrow to NJ and realized yesterday that I hadn't done any laundry and I need to pack and not be completely hungover tomorrow, so...coming home after our game seemed like the wise thing to do. Forty years in and I know my limitations. No, I can't just go for a little bit. No, I can't just have a drink or two. No, I can't keep myself off the karaoke stage....

Herewith, today's entry:

It's absolutely beautiful tonight. There's a full moon, the temperature and smells are fall-like and I know exactly where I'd like to be. You mentioned how you see yourself down the road. I can't remember if you asked or if I just offered, but I admitted that I've never been able to see into my future. It's amazing I've gotten where I am in retrospect. I have no five-year plan. Never have. I talked a good game in high school about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be, but I was really clueless and flying by the seat of my pants the whole time. Most people who knew me then see a direct line between my stated goal and where I am, but it's still a shock to me. And I know it's not why I was put on the planet.

But back to tonight. I'm haunted by a future I want but might not obtain. I may not see who I'll be or what I'll be, but I can see what I want and who I'd like to be with. I wish we were out in the mountains right now, camping under the full moon. It's a beautiful night for stars and dreams and depth. I can think of no one else I'd rather share it with. And it doesn't really matter if you feel the same way or not. Thank you, my friend, for making me see it at all.

Boo!

Sit tight, sports fans....

I was going to check in anyway and let you know that I'm going to fire up the ol' fingertips so that I could start practicing for NaBloPoMo, but now I have another reason for writing.

For those of you who don't know, NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month, it's held in November, and it's how I got wrangled (pretty willingly in retrospect) into starting this blog. The goal is seemingly simple: blog each and every day for the month of November.

NaBloPoMo became so popular that they began having the contest every month, with a monthly theme suggestion. On the high of successfully completing last November's NaBloPoMo, I attempted December, but didn't fare so well.

I've just received an email that October's theme is HAUNTED.

And folks, am I HAUN-TED!! On so many levels. And potentially soon-to-be-haunted by Patrick Swayze. So I may give October a whirl... I can't promise the blogs will be good, or enjoyable, or will hold your attention. But I never have. Yes, that's my guarantee -- no promises on talent!

You're welcome. :)

Patrick Swayze!!

PSYCH.

Not yet, my friends, not yet. I appreciate your patience. :)

Hello!! I'm alive!! How is everyone??

Yes, yes, I know I've been remiss in my blogging. And this brief update will be unsatisfactory as well, I fear.

BLOG TOPICS ABOUND!! I've been taking notes and emailing myself. And yet, I haven't had the time or inclination to flesh them out. 'Tis the story of my life, I'm afraid. Let me unearth my trove of book/play/screenplay/TV show ideas for you.......

Anyhoo, just wanted to stop by and say, "Hello." I hope to be back soon.

In the meantime, heard of any good celebrity deaths lately? ;)

You Had Me at "Pedro"

Say what you will about The Real World, I have always appreciated that part of their formula is the inclusion of gay and lesbian "characters." I only saw an ep or two of the first season, but have been a fan/follower since the second. And by the time Pedro's story came around in the third season, I was hooked.

I'm watching this week's epidsode and parts of it warmed my heart. CJ, the stereotypical good looking boy-next-door jock, has become such good friends with Derek, the somewhat fem gay guy, that he not only defends Derek but also invites him to his NFL tryout!

Granted, CJ defends Derek by punching some guy and winds up in a Mexican jail as a result and almost misses his NFL tryout, but that's not the point. :)

Maybe this doesn't seem that earth shattering to anyone else, but it does to me. It wasn't that long ago that I was closeted and living in terror of whether my friends and family would want anything to do with me if they knew I was gay. So just imagine getting to a place in time when the captain of the football team is best friends with the effeminate gay guy. For CJ to invite him into the uber-masculine world of professional football is pretty damn amazing. That he didn't even seem to think twice about it is FANTASTIC. Evolution may be slow, but it's occurring. In little steps each and every day. And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there will view Derek -- and other gay people -- differently because CJ openly likes and cares for him. I know the target audience probably isn't watching The Real World in the first place, but I can hope. And at least it's out there in the universe.

So thank you, Real World, for giving kids a forum for discussing their likes, dislikes, prejudices, and fears for over 20 years. I've watched people affected by the opportunity on the show and I know they've left knowing themselves and their fellow man just a little bit better. Maybe we should all do internships where we're filmed interacting with people and then have to watch ourselves! Hmmm...or maybe we should just go through life as if everything we say and do is being broadcast into millions of homes. I'd like to think we'd all strive to live a little better, but we'd probably just all look at each other and say, "See, we're all freaks!"

Babbling over, my friends. Be the person your dog thinks you are. :)

Are You There, God? It's Me, Patrick Swayze

This one might even be a little too tasteless for me, but here goes.........

And I'd like to just remind everyone once again that it's GOD, not me. I just noticed the trend.

Um...........

Los Angeles -- with perhaps the highest concentration of celebrities in the world -- is...

ON FIRE.



Swayze?

I'm just puttin' it out there. You'll have to decide for yourselves...