True Friends

A friend of mine made the painful drive so many parents are making at this time of year -- she just dropped off her only daughter at college for the first time. Her daughter posted a pic of them in her new dorm room at school and while my friend was smiling, the pain in her eyes was obvious. I asked her to please let me know if she needed a diversion this week and we could go out for drinks or see a movie or whatever. She just responded saying, "That would be awesome. :)"

And it dawned on me how nice it is to have people in my life who are constant and dependable. Who are always happy to hear from me or spend time with me. It takes friendships like the one I've been embroiled in lately for me to really see the stark difference. Alas, I've been here before. Several years ago, I wrote the following and it just popped into my head. It was true then and it's true now...

A true friend would never turn on you and bad mouth you to others intentionally.
True friends do not make you feel bad.
True friends do not make you jump through hoops to be their friend.
True friends appreciate you.
True friends are consistent in their behavior towards you.
True friends do not attempt to humiliate you in front of others.
True friends do not dictate the rules of the friendship.
True friends forgive.
True friends give you the benefit of the doubt.
True friends believe you and take your word for it.
True friends do not keep score.
True friends put others above themselves occasionally.
True friends encourage a balanced friendship.
True friends show up.
True friends make time for you.
True friends work at the friendship.
True friends value your time, energy, and compassion.
True friends do not use you.
True friends do not take advantage of you.

And I'd like to add...

True friends don't constantly tell you that you don't know them or understand them. If it's true, you have no business being friends in the first place. If they're just feeling frustrated and misunderstood, they take the time to explain themselves or to show you their true nature and character rather than talking over and over again. They don't make you feel like your inability to crash through their walls is a deficiency on your part.

As my friend Denise used to say, "Don't talk. Do."

Actions speak louder than words, my friends.

Great Balls of Fire

I met my friend Butch at his house near the beach yesterday to go for a run. My muscle memory seems to be kicking in and I'm enjoying running again -- enough that I asked Butch to go for a run at 2 in the afternoon when it was in the mid-80s. We started off and right away I noticed something was different. Damn, I've got two sore, bouncing canteloupes on my chest! Must be PMS...

I told Butch about my problem and he laughed. And then it dawned on me -- "Oh, laugh it up...you're just lucky your balls don't get huge every month! I'd like to see you run then!"

Geez, is there anything they don't get away with? I'm still bitter about the peeing outside anywhere they please and now this. I was telling the story to one of my friends last night and she said, "Yeah, if they bled out their penises and their balls swelled once a month, we'd never hear the end of it."

Ain't that the truth!

:)

The Swayze Liveth and the Lord Taketh Away

God's hat trick:

Ted Kennedy
Dominick Dunne
Ellie Greenwich

"Bring me SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!"

And in the meantime, poor Michael Jackson can't get in the ground! He died 2 months ago and they've just postponed his burial once again. I hope they've got him on ice. I've had chicken go bad in the fridge in far less time.

Is anyone else surprised that Joe Jackson hasn't tried to take Michael on tour one last time?

Obama vs. Kennedy?

Is it just me, or are they blaming Obama for Kennedy's decline and death?

"Then, risking his own health, Sen. Kennedy traveled to the Democratic National Convention in Denver, where Obama accepted the presidential nomination, to give a rousing speech on Obama's behalf. It was almost exactly one year before Kennedy's death. The senator also returned to the Capitol in January to see Obama sworn in as the nation's first black president, suffering a seizure at a celebratory luncheon afterward."

~ GLEN JOHNSON and PHILIP ELLIOTT, Associated Press Writers

God vs. Patrick Swayze

The celebrity death match between God and Patrick Swayze continues....

Ted Kennedy, dead at 77.

I'm sure Mary Jo Kopeckne is angry that God has finally avenged her death but waited until His pissy little fight with Patrick Swayze to do so. It reminds me of a friend from high school -- her stepfather abused her physically and her mother just stood by. But her stepfather pissed her mother off by leaving the cap off the toothpaste one too many times and she finally left him. Right outcome, wrong reasons.

Meanwhile, Patrick's just getting stronger and stronger... Although I'm unsure why he's beginning to look like Corey Feldman in the process.

Patrick Swayze

For those of you dear readers who aren't on Facebook, this blog may rock your world a little bit. I give you..............AJ's Patrick Swayze Theory:

Patrick Swayze, as we all know or should know as dedicated pop culture junkies, is suffering from pancreatic cancer. This, coupled with the defiant celebrity interview, should have sealed his fate many, many months ago. History has shown us that within 48 hours of giving the "I'm going to beat this thing" celebrity interview, most celebrities succumb to their illness. Please see Freddie Mercury, Bill Bixby, and Michael Landon for more information.

So you can imagine God's dismay when Patrick gave his interview and then had the balls to keep living!!

Many of you may have noticed a few months back that celebrities seemed to be dropping at an alarming rate. It wasn't long before the answer became crystal clear to me: God is picking off a celebrity-a-day until Patrick Swayze surrenders. I think we can all see Him thundering, "Bring me SWAYZE!!!" with each victim He acquires. And Swayze? He just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

Herewith, the list of Swayze's collateral damage:

David Carradine
Ed McMahon
Farrah Fawcett
Michael Jackson (this is when my theory first began to materialize)
Gale Storm
Billy Mays
Fred Travelena
Karl Malden
Steve McNair (this is when my friend Butch began blaming me for celebrity deaths -- it's not me, it's GOD!! I just noticed the trend...)
Oscar Mayer
Robert McNamara
Walter Cronkite
Frank McCourt
Gidget (the Taco Bell chihuahua -- hey, gotta spread it around so people won't get suspicious!)
Corazon Aquino
Budd Schulberg
John Hughes
Eunice Shriver
Les Paul
Don Hewitt

Frankly, I can't believe people-of-note haven't stormed Swayze's house with torches, pitchforks, and Michael Jackson's doctor!

What, too soon?

So now I think The Swayze is on to me and trying to silence me. Hence my hellish week a few weeks back. Which makes me question my decision to go skydiving last week. Seems to me I shouldn't be jumping out of a plane while taunting Swayze. The jump got cancelled, but that's probably just to give me a false sense of security...

In the meantime, I don't wish Swayze any ill will. I'm not hoping he dies. I am a little concerned about Hollywood's numbers, but this is God's doing, not mine. Don't shoot the messenger, people.........

Woof!

All right, Universe, I'm putting the word out there. My friend Anne and I talked about starting a doggie daycare business in Norfolk when we first moved here almost 10 years ago. Forensics has worked out well for her, she enjoys it, and she has recently been promoted to a supervisory position in our section. Whereas I on the other hand am almost completely burned out. Alas, I make a pretty decent salary and know that starting over anywhere would affect that greatly. So I've been toying with some different ideas -- looking for something that would be more fulfilling mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

In the last week, the following career paths have floated to the top: firefighter/paramedic (Did anyone just hear a scream? That was my mother having a heart attack over the firefighter part); fitness trainer (yes, it makes me laugh too); or doggie daycare owner.

Briefly -- because I have an arse-load of things I should be doing right now -- my thoughts on these fields...

Firefighter/paramedic: I'm not so hot on the FF part, but have always been drawn to emergency medicine/services. My Dad was a volunteer Rescue Squad member and cardiac care unit EMT when I was growing up and I just always assumed I'd be a volunteer on a squad. I looked into it when I moved down here and finally had the time to dedicate to it, but there aren't any volunteer squads in my immediate area. I know beginning FF/paramedics don't make a lot of money, but how much would I need when I would spend the greater majority of my time working out and eating?? There are definitely some benefits to that job. Not to mention my original intention of becoming a doctor. Would be nice to get closer to my old self and my old goals....

Fitness trainer: ok, this one seems to be a stretch, but I think I could do it. And what better job? I'd get PAID to work out! Those of you who know me may find this surprising, but one of my personalities is really pretty cool about motivating people, helping them with life goals, etc. Usually can't help myself with any of that, but am pretty good with others. I know people in this field and know a couple who actually train folks to be trainers, so this is definitely do-able. Unsure of the job security -- I imagine personal trainers take a major hit when the economy is bad -- but maybe this is something I could do on the side to at least give me some satisfaction at work...

Doggie Daycare: this one has always seemed like a pipe dream. I don't know the first thing about starting a business and finding land in this area for a DD seemed daunting. But damned if I wasn't talking to someone about this last night and she pointed me in two right directions - there is a group of retired businessmen who volunteer to advise and put together business plans for newbies and she also knows a real estate agent who handles warehouse properties in this area -- which would be ideal for a DD. I also know a handful of local people who have successfully started their own businesses and I know they'd be willing to help me out along the way.

SO...I'm paying attention Universe. I'm putting it out there and I'll see what you shoot back. Is it time for me to get off my butt and do something else? What say you?

And yes, Mom, writing is still on the back burner. Most profitable idea can't be written/sold during my current employment stint. Wink, wink.

Dancing with the Chicken Slacks

Some of my and my friend's misheard lyrics...

Copacabana: He's so low and dancinaire (He saw Lola standing there). This is one of my earliest misheard lyrics. I decided along the way that 'dancinaire' was a hybrid of 'dancer' and 'debonair.' And this made perfect sense to me until I heard the correct lyrics spoken on a radio station when I was in my late 20s...

Peace of Mind: All I want is to have my piece of pie. My friend Walt and I worked this into an hour-long argument. He was right, of course.

You're So Vain: You had one eye in the middle as you watched yourself go by (You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte). Additionally, my friend Don thought he was singing "clouds in my coffee" incorrectly and that it was actually "clowns in my coffee." I don't know about you, but that would freak me the hell out!

Sometimes When We Touch: At times I'd like to break you, and drive you to your knees; at times I'd like to break through and hold you in my sleeves (...hold you endlessly). This one made my friend/coworker Brian laugh so hard he fell off his lab stool and caused him to listen in and critique all future songs being sung by me at work.

Your Wildest Dreams: In your wild Irish dreams.

My Eyes Adored You: My eyes of Georgia. This one belongs to my ex-girlfriend, Wendy. She went into a record store as a teen and was highly frustrated when the store clerk couldn't find this chart topper for her. It wasn't until she sang it that he finally realized what song she wanted.

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant: Brenda Ranetti , several occurrences (Brenda and Eddie were the popular steadies...) This is one of my faves and I still sing it. Wish it was mine, but it belongs to an old coworker, Jorge.

Twisting the Night Away: He's dancing with the chicken slacks (...chick in slacks).

I'd Really Love to See You Tonight: I'm not talking 'bout no linens (I'm not talking 'bout movin' in). Several coworkers and I were trying to figure out what the heck was being sung here (the preceding was my contribution) and one of them told us the right lyrics. Everything in the universe snapped into place in that moment and I still can't figure out why we couldn't hear the right words before!

You Shook Me All Night Long: You should be all my own.

Our Lips Are Sealed: Honest I See You.

Come On Eileen: You're full of silk crayons... You sing just like a boulder... I'm gonna hump this tune forever. You've grown, so grown... And we can sing just like our fathers... Eileen, I'll hum this tune forever.

I'm Not in Love: [the whispered part] Requesting quiet...requesting quiet. (Big boys don't cry, big boys don't cry).

Without going into detail, pretty much any song by Elton John or Janet Jackson falls into this category. I have no earthly idea what they're singing half the time and just make sounds that sound similar to whatever it is...

I know I have a bunch more but of course can't think of them right now. Feel free to add your own! But please try to stay away from the more obvious "Kiss This Guy," "Big Ol' Chet Had a Light On," or "Bathroom on the Right." I'm looking for some original ones...

The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.

Before I start in on today's topic, I'd like to provide a little public service announcement. Even when it doesn't seem like it's tremendously hot out or that the sun has been shining all day, it's always best to wear shoes when walking in the street on a summer afternoon. I'm now sporting some ginormous blisters on the balls of my feet thanks to a really bad decision on my part. And I have to wonder if this is karma because I received said blisters when I should have been helping my friends dig a little sailboat out from under several years' worth of sand on the beach. Live and learn, I suppose...

Seems that one of my fave cinematic duos is at it again. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are collaborating on a freaky-looking version of Alice in Wonderland. There's a movie from my childhood that I'm dying for the two of them to get their paws on: The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. Ringing any bells with anyone? Probably not.

I saw the movie once or twice on TV at my grandparents' house when I was a kid. Then years and years went by and it had been so long since I had seen any evidence of the movie's existence that thought for a time that I had actually dreamed the movie. If you've seen some of my dreams, it's quite possible.

Then this wonderful thing called the internet was invented and I was able to track the movie down some years ago. It's actually a Dr. Seuss live action movie -- the only feature film he ever wrote. And apparently, he was so embarrassed by it that he left it off of his official biography with Random House, according to Wikipedia. And I don't blame him. I still love the movie because I first saw it as a child, but I imagine watching it for the first time as an adult would make me want to stick a fork in my eye.

The basic story is about a little boy who loathes being forced to take piano lessons by his single mother (I'm assuming she's a widow and not a divorcee since it was 1953). He complains to the plumber about his piano teacher, Mr. Terwilliger, and eventually drifts off to sleep at the piano. He's transported to Mr. Terwilliger's world in which 500 little boys are being held hostage and forced to play a huge, winding piano -- with their 5,000 fingers. Mr. Terwilliger, although quite effeminate (watch the clip below), falls in love with the little boy's mother and kidnaps her. Bart (her son) and the plumber scheme to set her free with some sort of McGyver-esque noise-sucking device that foils Mr. Terwilliger and eventually sets them all free. It really is a great movie -- if you're a kid.

Anyway, it just screams Burton/Depp remake to me. So universe, if you're listening, please get word to them for me. Thanks!

Even Educated Fleas Do It

My and Bert's exchange regarding my Swoosie Kurtz blog, with his permission...

Bert: "I don’t feel as if I am qualified to comment on whom I feel could play a good lesbian (and would likely go with hetero guy choices such as Jessica Alba or Jennifer Biel), so I opted not to comment on your recent blog. How is that for restraint?

I was tempted to comment concerning one of my favorite TV lesbian scenes. It was from If These Walls Could Talk, 2. Ellen Degeneres and Sharon Stone were a couple trying to have a baby. In one scene, during the trials and tribulations of trying to get a sperm donor and conceive in vitro, Ellen’s character breaks down sobbing saying something along the lines of “It’s just not fair! Why can’t we just conceive a child together?”

Now, I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I had to laugh. I am not close enough to the issue to fully understand their pain, but a basic understanding of biology brought out the humor for me. Perhaps Ellen was being ironic and intended to inject a bit of comedy into an otherwise tense situation?

Although this example did make me realize one thing...Sharon Stone was a pretty good choice. (I am a big fan of Diane Lane, too)."

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AJ: "I've had a crush on Diane Lane FOR.EV.ER. You lost me on Jessica Alba and Jennifer Biel. Too young, too dumbish looking for me...

As for the lesbos trying to conceive......I've actually been there and it really is quite painful. Especially when two heteros can do it at the drop of a hat with no forethought, no love, no this, no that. When you're in love with another person and you want to share that love in the creation of a human being that is half of you and half of her and you -- obviously -- can't, it's really quite painful.

But what's more painful for me is trying to picture Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres as a couple. Doesn't work for me. :)

I kind of like your comments though and kind of like my response -- would you mind if I posted them on my blog?"