Pam & The Poppy Seed

I originally posted the following on myspace last October. I recently realized I hadn't shared it with the Cranial Vault folks. It's an amusing story and I'm feeling lazy tonight, so here ya' go! I hope you enjoy it. :) And if you should happen to know the subject of the story, I'd appreciate it if you'd feign ignorance!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Voldemort had a new hire and we went to the movies with her and her husband. Let's call her Pam. Because her name is Pam.

Now, I am typically not the person who's going to tell you that you have food in your teeth or shnottus hanging from your nose or toilet paper stuck to your feet or what-have-you unless I know you pretty well. I've taken that whole "never ask a woman if she's pregnant" thing to heart and just don't cross into most people's dance space that way. So, I really don't understand what changed for me that night.

After watching the movie, Voldemort, Pam, and her husband...we'll call him Ben (because his name is Ben) and I were talking in the lobby of the movie theater. Voldemort and Ben were talking about something and Pam and I were chatting on our own. I noticed Pam had a poppy seed stuck between her front tooth and the next one off to the right -- what is that a bicuspid or something? -- no matter. For whatever reason, I chose to break my own rule and thought I was being nice and doing this poor girl a favor:

AJ, pointing: "Oh hey, Pam, you've got a poppy seed in your teeth."

P: "Oh! Thanks," as she discreetly sucks on her teefers, "Did I get it?"

AJ: "No, it's still there."

P (more sucking): "Now?"

AJ: "No."

P (more sucking): "How 'bout now?"

AJ: "No, it's still there."

P (etc): "Now?"

AJ: "Nope. Still there."

On about our tenth exchange, I get a different shot at her poppy seed and realize TO. MY. HORROR -- it's a HOLE IN HER TOOTH!!!! I've never seen anything like it. It's about a 3/4 hole and it's off on the edge of one tooth right next to the edge of another so that any normal person would think it was a poppy seed!!

So now I'm panicking. What if this is when the lightbulb finally goes off for her and she realizes I'm actually referring to her hole??? Because surely she knows she has this thing, right?

P: "How 'bout now?"

AJ: "Yup! You got it! Great job! Ha ha....hey.....heh....... Uh, what was your favorite part of the movie?"

And for the next 3 or 4 years that she worked with us I saw that beady little hole every time I spoke to her and I wondered, did she put it together at some point? OH THE SHAME!

And that's why I didn't tell Kendall about the long strand of seaweed stuck to his head.

That's a story for another day, my friends.


Hi Mrs. Schmidt!