Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A Prayer for Bruce

No offense to Joe Frazier or Heavy D. (may they rest in peace), but tonight I ask you to pray for poor Bruce Jenner. Let's review:

He used to be a god. In 1976 he won the gold medal for the decathlon, which despite its name, actually involves about 72 sports. And he excelled at them all. He was young and handsome and athletic and he was all over the Wheaties boxes and Love Boat.

And then...

I don't want to say his appearance in the film Can't Stop the Music was a curse, but it did also star The Village People. As much as I love them and made my mother call me Felipe (the Native American ["Indian" in 1979]) for six months, it can't have helped.

Bruce lay low for a couple decades after that (can you blame him?!) and resurfaced in a charming little reality show called, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in which the public discovered something had gone horribly wrong with our handsome Olympian:

Now, we know this is the result of really bad plastic surgery because 1) Bruce has admitted it and 2) We have his genetic beneficiary, Brody, as evidence:

And you know that's just gotta burn Bruce up, dontcha? (Look at you, you handsome bastard!)

As if this assault on his face wasn't cruel enough, he also landed smack in the middle of this mess 10 years ago:

And for good measure, even though he already had something like 4 biological kids and 4 step-kids, he felt it necessary to bring 2 more into the world. Now the 2 new Ks seem ok, but they've got the jet black hair of Kardashian krazy and the K names, so there's really no hope for them either.

So now he spends his days bumbling around his house like Ozzy on boring instead of oxy, being alternately mocked and forgotten by his wife and her offspring coven -- and their equally annoying mates.

Please, people, say a prayer for Bruce.

In the last two weeks, his step, Kim, left her Special Olympian basketball hubby (come on -- you thought the same thing!) after 72 days of marriage and then his son, Brody, and his SK8R GRL, Avril Lavigne, got their asses kicked outside a Hollywood bar.

Please, say a prayer for Bruce.

His 2011 decathlon appears to be:

Maintaining Kendall and Kylie's virginity
Repeatedly telling Kris she's not gaining weight
Assuring Khloe she's not adopted
Watching Rob on Dancing with the Stars (PLEASE -- say a prayer for Bruce!)
Getting his ear pierced and hair cut (one event)
Giving everyone unsolicited advice
Presenting motivational lectures for a fee (No, really -- people pay him!)
Remembering all of his children whose names don't start with K
Cowering under Khloe's blistering gaze
Ignoring the most annoying speech affectation on the planet and managing to hear what the 3 older K's are actually laying down

For this, he deserves a medal and more. He deserves your prayers. So please, pray for Bruce.

After all, he's just a guy who learned a really hard lesson: there's no such thing as a free f*ck.


lauren said...

Just so we all understand...he had his first bout of bad plastic surgery in the late 80s, before he met Kris Kardashian, as a "I'll make myself feel better because of this last divorce" that cost him millions. Then, recently, I believe in season 6 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" he went in for corrective surgery...which looks a little bit better? Maybe he looks a little less like a surprised drag queen...Yes I know too much, and not even because I watch the show. I am working on a segment about the Kardashians...TMI

AJ said...

Hmmm... I actually knew all of that and not because I'm working on a segment about the Kardashians. I'm so embarrassed. ;)