Monday, November 14, 2011

Tacos, Tails, Vodka, & Tampons

So some of my female dog-owning friends decided that a biweekly (bimonthly? twice monthly? duoweeko?) dinner gathering of female friends and their dogs might be fun. In their brilliance, they named it "Tacos and Tails."

If you don't get it, I'm not explaining.

Tonight was the second one and Girlfriend and I were graciously included. Since we're still battling some of the flea holdouts, we thought it best to leave our particular tails at home.

Dinner conversation turned to teenage girls soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them up their vaginas, as dinner conversations often do...

Oh, haven't you heard?

Yes, teenagers everywhere are trying the latest fad: getting drunk more rapidly and more discreetly by shoving vodka-soaked tampons up their vaginas. Don't have a vagina, boys? No worries! Just shove the tampon in your rectum! Apparently, studies show that one (1) super tampon can hold one (1) shot of vodka.

How much time do you need to absorb this little tidbit? (harrrrr)

Seems some of us at the table knew of this trend and its sister activity, butt chugging, in which the tubing of a traditional beer funnel is inserted into one's rectum rather than one's mouth.

Not for nothing, I'd hate to be the person who rolls up late to that party and mistakes the butt chugging funnel for a regular one...

"What? Why is everyone screaming for me to take this thing out of my mouth?!"

Anyhoo, we the Tacos and Tails of the Monday, November 14th Meeting have the following questions and if you have answers, we'd love to hear them:

1) If the tampon expands after absorbing liquid, how does one insert a giant flaccid tampon into one's vagina?
2) Substitute "rectum" for "vagina" in the above question and pose it again.
3) In the instance of butt chugging, where does all the extra liquid go? Once the rectum is filled, does it start shooting out?

Ah, it's bedtime boys and girls. I hope you've enjoyed this little story.

And just for the record, lest any of you be as mistaken as the proponents of vaginal/rectal drinking -- not ingesting the alcohol orally does not affect your blood alcohol level.

Uh duh.

What will those crazy kids think of next?

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