I met up with a friend of mine last night and somewhere in there we were talking about relationships. I found myself saying my pat phrase of recent months, "I've been dumped and I've been the dumper and it sucks on both sides. That's why I'm never dating again. I'm done."
It scares me a little bit every time I say that. I've already explained on these pages that I believe that once you 'put something out there' e.g. say it aloud, it tends to happen. So for me to pronounce that I'll never date again, makes me nervous. It's the diametric opposite of what I truly want. What I really should be saying is that I'll never break up again. Why cut my nose off to spite my face?
Friend responded to my pronouncement by saying, "You're jaded."
I'm really not. I'm still the big mushball who develops crushes easily and is often crushed by them. I'm still Charlie Brown convinced that this time Lucy won't pull the football away. And in this newest formulation, new friend is Lucy.
But new friend has her own baggage and I'm very aware of that. New friend has wounds from an old love that still need to heal and has a new lease on life that is causing her to live life to the fullest and take risks and have fun. I'm all for that. And I also have learned that it's best for me to really get to know someone long term before even considering dating them. But therein lies part of the problem. While I'm busy letting Lucy heal and have her fun and while I'm also getting to know her better and on my red flag hunt, Lucy's going to have many people throwing themselves at her. It's like leaving space between you and the car in front of you -- you're doing it because it's safe and sane and then ZIP! someone cuts you off and slips into a space that wasn't meant for them.
So universe, if you're listening, I'm not jaded. I'm just tired of getting hurt and I'm trying to protect myself. But if protecting myself means that somewhere along the way I get cut off by a faster car, then I'm going to be upset when the football is pulled away again. (Listen, I know what it means and Yogi Berra would be proud!)
Likewise, spelling all of this out is immensely uncomfortable for me, but I'm afraid that by playing it jaded I might give the wrong impression. Ugh, so here I am wearing my heart on my blog. Be gentle, universe. Please. :)